Drowning in student debt with no end in sight? Never fear, there are ways to satiate this dragon tyrant of a school.

So you’ve read Bwog’s Top Ten Things To Buy Instead Of A Columbia Education and are still committed to paying $319,008.00 for a piece of paper? Seems reasonable. However misguided I may find this decision, I do not think it warrants going into massive, soul crushing, future destroying debt. So here are five ways to foot the cost upfront, once and for all.

1). Sell Your Kidney On The Black Market For $262,000.00

There’s a reason God gave you two of them! Unfortunately that reason is— despite being the difference between the gift of life and dying of slow excrement induced blood poisoning— selling one of your kidneys on the black market will only cover about three-quarters of your Columbia education. That being said, I don’t recommend selling both of them to cover your tuition. Instead, try enlisting the help of a very loyal (or failing that, very stupid) friend to donate one on your behalf. All you need for the extraction is a scalpel, a bathtub full of ice chips, and a rudimentary knowledge of Dark eBay. I suppose you could also use a bottle of whiskey, but that’s only if you really want to be a little bitch about it.

Artist’s rendering of your brutally procured kidney.

2). Work A Minimum Wage Job For 22 Years

If hacking through your own flesh with a knife isn’t painful enough for you, consider spending two decades of your life in customer service for $7.25 an hour. While this isn’t the quickest option, the skills you will learn from getting verbally berated by wine-drunk suburban housewives for 40 hours a week is an education in itself!

Note: If you want to utilize this option, you’d better have some savings built-up already because, when the average daily expenditure of -$109.00 is factored in, you will literally never be able to pay for college. That is, unless you decide to just be a man already and stop drinking Starbucks and eating food and sleeping indoors everyday like an entitled lush.

Several dedicated hard-workers paying for college the old fashioned way.

3). Body-Swap With Jeff Bezos For Two Minutes and 14 Seconds

If you like the idea of working for your degree but hate having to do it honestly, this is the option for you! The plan for this one is simple: tell Jeff that you have the model for a big, hard, throbbing rocket ship that you want to show him. When he asks you where to meet, give him the address for your favorite Chinese food restaurant. Upon his arrival, hand him the fortune cookie from Freaky Friday (yes, the Jamie Lee Curtis/ Lindsay Lohan version! Have some respect for the art of your generation) and let the body switching begin. All you have to do now is keep him at bay for two minutes while the dollars roll in. Do be warned, if he manages to regain control of his body after only one minute, you will only have made a measly $142,667.00. And that would be simply unacceptable.

Future sexiest man alive Jeff Bezos.

4). Hold Kylie Jenner’s Dogs for Ransom

By this point, you have to be asking yourself: is this really worth it? Has my moral compass been so far corrupted by this backward institution that I am considering holding a guiltless animal captive for my own academic ambitions? To that, I reply thricely.

– All pets are somebody’s hostage. You might as well make some money off of them.

– Who do you think would make a better dog mom, you or the woman who injects chunks of human flesh into her mouth for the aesthetic?

– Even if she doesn’t pay you, you just earned yourself two good boys!

Kylie Jenner in a black hole.

5). Have really, really rich parents.


Lori Loughlin, the original crazy rich mama, looking like a crazy rich mama.

Boss-bitch With Money via Bwarchives

Your Very Own Removed Kidney via Wikimedia Commons

Cashiers Living The Dream via Wikimedia Commons

Jeff Bezos Showing Off His Boyishly Handsome Smirk via Wikimedia Commons

Kylie Jenner, Girl In Red via Wikimedia Commons

Lori Loughlin In Her Natural Habitat via Wikimedia Commons