We have the perfect devious licks to ensure that you stay at the top of the John Jay social pyramid.

Every campus dining hall requires an alpha to maintain the social order, typically whichever dining hall staff member is gatekeeping the best food in the hall. In Ferris, that’s the person who runs the dessert bar. At JJs, it’s the guy who hands out fries to drunk teenagers late in the evening. At Hewitt, it’s … the folks running the main meal station. Come on, those portions are kinda tiny.

In contrast, most John Jay stations are self-serve so none of the staff members can achieve alpha status by gatekeeping the best food from you. Poli-sci majors, you know what this means: John Jay is experiencing a power vacuum. These conditions are dangerous if left alone long. Before we know it, the United States government will stage a coup and appoint the New Alpha of John Jay Hall.

But wait! It’s not too late yet. Reader, this is your opportunity to make a power grab for the coveted role of John Jay Alpha. Let us help you get the upper hand on all of the other chump dining hall patrons (aka your classmates). Here are our top methods to lock down alpha status at John Jay.

Our Top Devious Licks To Become The John Jay Alpha Student

  1. Stand at the swipe-in desk and start a timer whenever someone starts holding up the line. Yell out the high scores.
  2. When the person checking the vaccine cards asks to see your card, hand them an UNO Reverse card and ask to see their vaccine card instead.
  3. Stand behind the smoothie bar at dinner. Blend up the day’s main station menu items, and place your concoctions out on the counter for anyone to try. Bonus points for putting out a tips jar.
  4. Find as many empty chairs as you can and stack all of them on top of one another. Eat your meal while residing on your throne, and laugh at all of the fools who have to stand while they eat.
  5. Alternatively, bring one of the high top chairs to the normal tables and sit there for the duration of your meal.
  6. Eat all of your food without chewing. Just swallow it whole like a snake.
  7. Empty all of the ketchup bottles and put them back in the condiment holders. Watch people walk around to each table, trying to find a full bottle until they are driven to insanity. Do nothing to the mustard bottles.
  8. You know how some people watch Netflix on their laptop while eating dinner? Show them up by bringing a flatscreen to watch your favorite show on. That’s right—these bitches are getting Season 3 of You spoiled.
  9. If you’re not into TV, casually sit at your table reading Infinite Jest. You will be living rent-free in all of the English majors’ heads all day, and everyone else is just going to be, like, really curious about your 1,100-page book.
  10. Go to the coffee station and fill a cup with 10 pumps of each of the available syrups. Sip on it. You’re not an animal.
  11. Go to the Coke machine and fill your cup with one squirt of each soda flavor. Chug it. You’re feral.
  12. Whenever someone leaves their dish at the table, eat all of the remaining food off of it before they come back.
  13. Confiscate all of the serving utensils and force everyone to pick up their lasagna by hand. (Seriously, do not do this.)
  14. Bring your own soap and sponge from home and start doing everyone’s dishes when they put them on the conveyer belt. Don’t let any dirty dishes pass through on your watch!

That’s all we’ve got for today. Do your part to prevent a US-backed coup, and take back the alpha status that’s rightfully yours!

[Disclaimer: Please do not do any of these things. We love the dining hall staff, and they don’t need any more headaches. If you want to feel like a top dog, just go brag about your Wall Street internship on Linkedin or something.]

john jay via Bwog Archives