A picture is worth a thousand words.

While perusing the Columbia athletics website, I discovered that everyone’s favorite lion—Roar-ee—is available for your personal booking needs. Who knew? 

From the Columbia Athletics Website:

“Roar-ee Booking Details

• All requests must be submitted via the Roar-ee Booking Inquiry Form at least four weeks prior and are subject to availability.
• An athletics representative must accompany Roar-ee to all appearances.
• Payment must be received in advance of the event. Internal Columbia payments to be made via IDI. External payments to be made by check or credit card.
• The client must provide a location for breaks and to store materials as well as water.

Please provide as much information as possible regarding the nature of the appearance in the Roar-ee Booking Inquiry Form. If the appearance is a film or photo shoot, the client must inform Athletics in advance as to the film/photo distribution plan and share copies of the film/photos after the shoot. Athletics may deny any requests at their discretion.

Booking Fees

ON CAMPUS: $100 per hour for a minimum of two hours including time to dress/undress and travel to and from the event.

OFF-CAMPUS: $200 per hour for a minimum of two hours including time to dress/undress and travel to and from the event. No appearances outside of Manhattan.

Film/Photo Shoots: $200 per hour including time to dress/undress and travel to and from the shoot. The client must inform Athletics in advance as to the film/photo distribution plan and share copies of the film/photos after the shoot.”

I, as a curious former event planner, began wondering what are some creative events to have Roar-ee present:

A Date:

So there’s this guy. He has light brown hair. Maybe it’s better described as dirty blonde. His jaw is chiseled to perfection. And wow, these piercing brown eyes. But they kind of change color depending on the light. He’s tall. He’s handsome. He’s an anthropomorphic lion. I want to book Roar-ee to go on a date. I think he’d treat me right. And maybe, after a little bit, I won’t have to spend my own money just to spend time with him. We’ll just be able to be together.

My Wedding:

Clearly, the next step. Roar-ee will be both my best man and a guest of honor. Hell, maybe I’m even getting married to him!

Boudoir Photoshoot:

We all know Roar-ee has a sensual side—a part of him where his more carnal urges and desires are released. I want to bring this side out of him. Give it space to roam; unleash his animal ways.  And I think a boudoir photoshoot is perfect for this. Picture this, it’s black and white. The lighting is dramatic. He’s tossing and turning in a bedsheet. The photographer has to take a break for some water and fresh air. He’s stretching and getting comfortable. He’s showing off his curves and his muscles. He roars. I’m getting chills. 

A Protest: 

Roar-ee says Green New Deal now. Roar-ee says abolish gender. Roar-ee could say so many things. He’s a key endorsement.

A Baby Shower:

I think Roar-ee would be really awkward holding a baby. I would love to see him try. Maybe he holds the baby in his jaws for a camp factor.

My Funeral:

Picture this. It’s the future, an unknown amount of time has passed. Could be tomorrow could be many years in the future. I, however, am dead. Perhaps the FBI killed me because of an exposé. Maybe I drowned in a national park and washed up on the shore in a somewhat idyllic way. Or even I simply just disappeared, my body never found as I simply vanished into thin air. Regardless, when I die I want Roar-ee to be a pallbearer—or at least in attendance. Not sure if I’d want him in all black or in his usual uniform. Make sure he’s at least wearing a mourning veil.

The Club:

I think Roar-ee would do wonders on the club kid scene. His personality is electric and his dance moves are majestic. As the strobe lights flash, Roar-ee would be the life of the party. He’d crowd surf too. By the end of the night, everyone would be chanting his name: ROAR-EE, ROAR-EE, ROAR-EE!

The Zoo: 

How would Roar-ee react to seeing his brethren locked up in cages? Why is he the lucky one to roam free? Or is he shackled beneath invisible bondage? Which lion is more tortured by their unfreedom? Which lion will be the first to truly find its liberation and actualize it? Which lion? Which?

A Fateful Goodbye At The Train Station:

I get on the train. I rub my finger against the glass and feel a column of steam plume out from the radiator. I rub faster. Beneath me, I sense the train moving away from the station. The wood-paneled floor creaks beneath my feet. It groans. The train whistle sings dissonant and obscure. I slide the window down as the locomotive crawls out of the concourse like a bird unfurling its wings from its nest. Roar-ee is outside. I rented him. He runs along the track and weaves himself through the bodies of the crowd like a needle through a piece of fabric. He slows.

“Be safe!” He yells.

“Pardon?”

“Fais attention, fais attention.”

“Je vais essayer,” I say. I shrug. “C’est la vie.”

“Je sais.”

“Sois prudent aussi.”

Roar-ee pauses. He nods; he will. The train picks up speed. Time is running out. “Je t’aime.”

The train moves too fast. I can’t say goodbye. The figure of Roar-ee fades into the distance. I shut the window. The wind dies down. The rush of the machine replaces it. I miss him. He returns to campus. The booking is over.

Roar-ee Photo Wall via Bwog Staff