Worried about being behind the times? We’ve got you.
As the year comes to a close, Bwog looks forward to and welcomes 2022. While 2021 was eventful, to say the least, we are ready to bid it farewell. With our hopefulness comes our desire to inform the Barnumbia community of our trend predictions so that we can strive to become the trendiest school in the city. Here is the insider knowledge we have obtained through extensive research.
Fishnet scarves: What is one accessory that can make any church/funeral dress into an edgy skater chic outfit? Fishnets. But, with winter approaching, only the bravest soldiers can tough out the cold to show off their net-adorned legs. In 2022, we’re making wintertime fishnets a possibility by wearing them around our necks like scarves. Think “thneeds” but if the Onceler was a Lana stan.
Hex and Co dumplings: Need a quick fix of coffee before that 8:40 class? Too bad. There will be an international caffeine shortage in 2022. What’s the next best thing to wake you up? Scalding hot veggie dumplings that are fortunately the same price as a grande Starbucks latte.
JCPenney: Urban Outfitters and Depop are out, JCPenney is in. It’s affordable, they sell good brands like Levi’s, and it’s easy to gatekeep. There are a mere two locations on the island of Manhattan and you can pretend you got your clothes from a boutique or thrift store in your hometown called “JC.”
Kris Jenner: I just think all the other Jenner/Kardashian clan members have gotten too much attention this year and it’s Kris’s time to shine. With Kourtney and Kim dating emo white boys, Kylie simply being alive, Kendall being a successful model, and Khloe being blonde or something, Kris has been kept out of the spotlight for too long. Do I really know anything about the Kardashians? No. Do I think Kris deserves a comeback? Yes, 1000%.
Scientology: We all know that when the Barnard administration dubbed this academic school year as the “Year of Science,” they really meant for it to be the “Year of Scientology.” Immortality, superpowers, trauma bonding, electric currents, space alien parasites, and no consumption of any form of media besides Scientology sources? Sounds relaxing to me. Scientologists rise up!
1121: Given the recent boycott of the highly problematic 1020 bar, Barnumbia students need a new place to sweatily consume alcohol with their peers. I am predicting the rise of a hip frat basement-esque environment. The only ID you will be showing is your student ID, and the music will either be of the Waka-Flocka genre or a playlist full of Maude Latour songs. The mixed drink options will include Strawberry Banana Vodka Smoothie and Tequila Chocolate Milkshake. Previously known as JJ’s Diner, 1121 will give 1020 a run for its money.
Electric Scooters: Why are you, as a grown adult, riding a scooter AND taking the shortcut by riding a motorized scooter. We know you skip leg day and it shows. Be a mature 18-20 something and walk on your legs.
Government: When has this ever been in.
Ariana Grande: Sorry Playhouse and Pieces, but Ariana Grande remixes have got to go. She has a good voice, and she definitely has some bangers, but she is 5 feet tall and that’s simply unacceptable (If you ask me my height I will plead the fifth). “Rain on Me” indisputably set gay rights back by a decade.
Scaffoldings Outside of Morton Williams: The scaffoldings outside of Lerner and Morton Williams (rip) are out in 2022 and scaffoldings outside of 620 W 116th Street are in. These sturdy creatures provide protection from the harsh weather for days and add a pop of modernism to the otherwise gothic revival architecture in the area. 2022 is not the year of free and unobstructed sidewalks, but we’re grateful for any type of certainty in the future, no matter how inconvenient it may be.
Jesus: Either we admit Jesus was a bisexual, androgynous king, or we erase him from history entirely. 2022 will be the “Year of Honesty” and what better way to start than by exposing the queer-coding in the Bible. Apologies if this is offensive (I, like Jesus, am a Jewish queer).
Alternative Dairy Options: It seems as though everyone has become lactose intolerant suddenly, and I find it oddly suspicious. Vegans and conscientious objectors have a pass with this one, but for the rest of you, why are you pretending to enjoy oat milk? Just because every coffee shop in NYC offers it, it does not mean you have to put it in your lattes. Regular milk and cream taste objectively better (in small quantities), so let’s all indulge in just a couple ounces of non-plant or oat-based “milk” occasionally in 2022.
Fire: This one is self-explanatory.
#Goals via Pexels