Please note. This will only work if you have access to an oven. Please don’t try this in a microwave. Or maybe do, see what happens (keep me updated).

Before I begin I would like to say that this is not cooking with Bwog. No rather it is a warning to the wise to just never cook for people other than your dog. Your dog is nice. Your dog doesn’t criticize. Your dog isn’t picky. 

So fun story. It turns out, I cannot, in fact, cook. That’s bad news for several reasons. First and foremost, it is bad news because I decided that I’m going to host a last hurrah goodbye dinner party for my friends because I feel like that could be fun. Also I love board games and it’s the only time I can convince other people to play with me (I’m a tad overly competitive). But basically, I can’t cook. The good news is that after this endeavor I now can impart my hard-won advice onto you all in case you ever find yourself in this oddly specific scenario.

Option 1: Give up and order takeout. Maybe pizza? 

But no, I’m too stubborn. So anyway, onwards. 

And so now onto option 2: 

Can I have this be a dinner party where nobody eats? Or like maybe a salad? I strongly believe that you can call pretty much anything a salad if you throw it in a bowl and douse it with a flavorful liquid. 

Option 3: Buy cheese. Put cheese on a board. Get bread. Put bread on the board. Call it a charcuterie board. Not technically dinner, but edible? 

Option 4: Invent time travel. Go back in time. Undo inviting your friends. 

Option 5: Fine. I’m going to do it. I’m going to call my mom. Will ignore the lecture on how I should definitely be able to cook by now (put her on mute?). 

As you can all probably guess at this point, I ended up calling my mom. She told me to roast a chicken. 

Okay dear reader, so this may strike you as ridiculous, how can the girl who thirty seconds ago said she was the worst chef ever possibly now make a roast chicken. Well I’m here to inform you that making a roast chicken is quite possibly the easiest thing ever done. Seriously, here’s what you do: 

  1. Get a chicken. A full chicken. 
  2. Get garlic 
  3. Get a large oven safe pan 
  4. Preheat oven to 325 degrees fahrenheit 
  5. Put garlic on chicken 
  6. Put chicken in oven 
  7. Cook for 2 hours 
  8. Take out and look up Youtube videos on how to carve chicken. 

I’m sure there are more advanced ways to make a roast chicken, but this was easy and took two hours and only around 30% of my sanity so I’m sticking to it. 

If you’re vegetarian, I’m sorry. Maybe potatoes? I feel like those are easy. Zucchini feels both fancy and potentially easy to cook with? I’m sorry. I can’t be of much help. I can now cook one thing and that is a roast chicken. 

Thanksgiving Turkey via bwarchives