My intent is to no longer be in a tent.

If you asked me why I chose Columbia, flexing the campus on my social media stories was probably in my top three reasons. Like sure—go academics! But c’mon. Let’s not kid ourselves. I wanted that neoclassical clout. However, when I got on campus, I was met with a big, pitched obstacle blocking my goal: the Low Plaza tent. Gigantic, white, and inconvenient, the tent crushed my dreams of casually captioning a clip “sunsets here >>>” or “my home away from home” or “nyc <3” or “campus views 😍.” I was devastated. I still am. What’s the point of going to Columbia if I can’t be vain and superficial?

It doesn’t look like we’re getting a free Low Plaza anytime soon. So if it’s going to obstruct my Instagram wishes, I might as well enjoy it—just maybe not in tent-form. Below are some ~alternative~ ideas of what the tent could become…

Low Plaza Could Get Commercially Indulgent:

  • The American girl café
  • Arcade mall
  • Muji store
  • A hookah bar with $20 entrance fee (which did in fact happen once back in 2019)
  • The Big Brother house

Low Plaza Could Party:

  • Burning man statue
  • Lesbian club for exclusively Barnard students
  • A daily furry convention with people only dressing up as Millie or Roar-ee 
  • The Terminal 5 venue so we can have Bacchanal on campus again
  • A big bonfire for camp or cult-like activities

Low Plaza Could Play:

  • An ice skating ring
  • A petting zoo 
  • A Bouncy house for the youth
  • A giant swing set

Low Plaza Could Get Efficient:

  • A slide from Low Library to Butler
  • Quarantine housing for people with roommates 💀 
  • Another Chef Mike pop-up
  • An entrance to the 116th station 

Low Plaza Could Be Wet and Aphrodisiacal:

  • Third dick fountain
  • Boob fountain #Feminism
  • Huge geyser fountains like the Bellagio

Low Plaza Could Get Absurd:

  • An army of Weechas 
  • Thousands of mini tents for ants
  • A giant mirror
  • Statue of the president of Croatia
  • One hundred identical Alma statues (like the terracotta army but only Almas)
  • Jello
  • A giant replica of Kyle’s immortal pumpkin 
  • Twilight baseball scene reenactor 

Low Plaza Could Gey Physical:

  • Even more stairs! Maybe install a speaker that exclusively plays the Rocky theme song so the Museum of Art in Philadelphia doesn’t get all the fun
  • A year-round beach volleyball sandpit
  • A gladiator pit
  • A Wipeout course
  • A boxing ring
  • Quicksand. Escape from your day-to-day worries and sink into your childhood fears

Low Plaza Could Get PrezBotanical:

  • A jumbotron that just plays PrezBo reading his latest email to the student body on a loop
  • An entrance to PrezBo’s house 
  • A miniature model of Columbia
  • Not Columbia related but based on the pun: maybe a nice wild flower field! Cambridge did something like that. Very nice. Might improve air quality.

Low Plaza Could Get Worse

  • Bigger tent (can’t get enough tent, tbh)

Low Plaza Could Perfect Itself:

  • Bring the old Low Plaza back and embrace tradition.

tent hate diary via Author

Low Plaza tent via talented Bwog Photographer