Oh, the places you can go on Columbia’s Campus!

Welcome everybody, and thank you for making the trip to be a part of today’s campus tour! Unfortunately, the other tour guide for today has won territorial control of the main tour route during today’s admissions office battle for dominion, so I’m going to be taking you on an alternate route of the places I think you can’t miss on campus! Let’s get moving to our first stop.

On the other side of this big library with names written on it is our first stop: the John Jay laundry room! Damp, quaint, and rancid, this monument to hygiene is conveniently located in the bowels of John Jay Hall, just like the greasy, subterranean JJ’s! We love our campus’s cleanliness.

Over here, we have Room 201B of Philosophy Hall, which features a weird and inexplicable alcove carved into the wall of the classroom! How quirky and useful!

Our next stop is a place of great wonder and mystery: Schermerhorn Hall! Located in a multidimensional pocket of liminal energy right next to Avery and Fayerweather, Schermerhorn Hall is home to countless sets of staircases that only kind of line up with each other. A place where all the doors swing open automatically but you still have to push on them, Schermerhorn also houses the ethereal Schermerhorn Extension, an architectural quirk that raises more casual questions than a normal hallway should!

Additionally, you’ll see that the Schermerhorn staircase skips the seventh floor, going straight from the sixth to the eighth floor! On this secret seventh floor, you’ll find an abandoned library filled with books about geology, as well as some light reading about Ronald Reagan written before he was president! Always something to learn!

For our next stop, we’ll proceed down into the Marcellus Hartley Dodge Physical Fitness Center to pay a visit to the sterling Dodge Water Fountain! Located on the main floor of a wretched hive of scum and villainy, the Dodge Gym Water Fountain offers the purest and satiating water on campus, and should never be overlooked.

Next up, we’ve got the Mathematics Library. If you proceed up a flight of stairs, you’ll find the library stacks, which weirdly make you feel like you’re standing in the middle of code for a video game! Against the back wall, you’ll find some tables with windows facing out onto Broadway, which makes you feel like you’re in the cramped hold of a ship, peering out through tiny portholes at the joys of the outside world!

Let’s hop across Broadway to check out some of what Barnard has to offer. Over here, we have the beautiful Milstein Center, where, on your left, you’ll see a straight couple making out in that one green chair in the far corner of Milstein 3! Do I have any band kids in the tour group tonight?

Finally, just past Barnard, we have the Union Theological Seminary, where, on the ground floor, you’ll find a weird cafe that looks exactly like the mess hall of a navy ship that hasn’t been touched since the 1950s! Our campus, much like PrezBo’s hair, truly is timeless!

It was my pleasure to take you guys on this tour! Thank you to everybody that stuck along, and congratulations to all those who didn’t get stranded in Schermerhorn!

Columbia Campus via Bwog Archives