*Absolutely Clickbwait

This year’s Bacchanal committee has been tight-lipped about who’s headlining. At this point, it seems we’ll finally learn who’s headlining the morning of April 2 at the earliest. But have no fear, Barnumbia student! Bwog knows their way around campus secrets. The following is the completely real and official leaked shortlist for the potential headliners, as well as the notes by the committee. 

The Blue Man Group

Committee Notes: Would be renamed the Pantone 292 Man Group for the performance. Also, face paint would be Columbia blue.

Dolly Parton

Committee Notes: Icon.


Committee Notes: Music Hum Department made a special request for Beethoven to headline.


Committee Notes: We think this is the K-POP group but could also be the Barnard Theater Society. Regardless, stan Jungkook.

The Barden Bellas from Pitch Perfect

Committee Notes: Incredibly busy schedule, but would give students a complementary vessel for the cup song.

The Kingsmen

Committee Notes: Who doesn’t love a nice powder blue jacket?

The Kingsmen but they are all 5 inches shorter

Committee Notes: hehe.

Hannah Montana

Committee Notes: Healing Barnumbia’s inner child.

The Christian Guitar Group on College Walk

Committee Notes: Believe in the vision…and Christ!

The Beatles

Committee Notes: Stream “Love Me Do.”

Fifth Harmony

Committee Notes: Beware: There will be several “Work from Home” allusions at graduation this year.

The Varsity Show Cast 

Committee Notes: These theater kids are actually paying the Bacchanal committee to perform.

The Hex Girls 

Committee Notes: Shoutout to Barnard gals this one is for you.


Committee Notes: Evolution of Music is the official Music Hum department study guide.

The Small Potatoes

Committee Notes: Could be ahead of the trend of using children’s songs for hyperpop.

Austin Mahone

Committee Notes: There’s no way I could make it without ya Do it without ya

James Charles

Committee Notes: Must be under 18 to attend the performance, artist’s policy.

Louisa Melcher

Committee Notes: Her New York Summer Tour might not have room in the schedule. But perfect for when you’re fighting in the grocery store.

Raini Rodriguez

Committee Notes: Singing various remixes of “Living Your Dreams.”


Committee Notes: Giving the show-stopping, infamous performance of “The Star Spangled Banner” for two hours on repeat, except every time it gets 0.2 seconds slower. 


Committee Notes: Only quotes from various red carpet interviews.

Yodeling Boy from Walmart (Mr. Mason Ramsey)

Committee Notes: Perfect for their planned Blue-Grass Bacchanal rebrand for 2023.

Team 10, but only the verse in Spanish by the Twins

Committee Notes: Fulfills foreign language requirement.

The Michael Jackson hologram that went on a world tour

Committee Notes: Only have to pay for electricity, no food or water necessary.

A Big Screen Projecting Bacchanal 2021 on loop…it’s like Vibrella but in real life 

Committee Notes: Highly considered, especially because of the facilities upcharge in hosting on campus. 

One Direction

Committee Notes: Can we get them to reunite, only for us?

Jake Gyllenhaal’s high school band Holeshot

Committee Notes: Hopeful, especially to support a Columbia Alumnus.

Avril Lavigne

Committee Notes: Unsure if this is the original Avril Lavigne or a clone. 

Susan Boyle

Committee Notes: Slay.  

Lin Manuel Miranda & the Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton 

Committee Notes: Includes a relocation of Bacchanal to Hamilton Hall.

5 Seconds of Summer

Committee Notes: For the 5SOS Fam!


Committee Notes: To perform “Gangsta’s Paradise” over and over.

Various ASMR Artists

Committee Notes: The most tingley Bacchanal ever.

The Smiths

Committee Notes: For the male manipulators CC men.

Sex Bob-Omb

Committee Notes: Here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!

The Cantina Band from Star Wars

Committee Notes: Admin’s choice to soft launch galactic core requirement.

The Cast of In the Heights

Committee Notes: “Don’t make me laugh, I’ve been trying all night. You’ve been shaking your ass for like half of [Morningside] Heights.”


Committee Notes: He’s alive and works on Columbia staff.

Your ex-boyfriend and his acoustic guitar :///

Committee Notes: Accompanied by your other manipulative ex boyfriend and his ukulele.

Your Depression Playlist On Shuffle

Committee Notes: The only way we can get Mitski and Taylor Swift and the Grey’s Anatomy Soundtrack to perform together, slowed with reverb.

The One Campus Stand Up Comedian 

Committee Notes: y’know, the one that made you feel second-hand embarrassment.

Charli D’Amelio

Committee Notes: Might be able to make a gab_nyc collab.

The Sexy Angelina Jolie fish from Shark Tales

Committee Notes: Raises suspicion about whether or not there is a furry on Bacchanal board. 

4-Town from Turning Red

Committee Notes: I’m gonna go panda, fr.

The Wiggles

Committee Notes: Playing “Fruit Salad Yummy Yummy!” Supported by Hewitt’s Dining Philosophy.

The Partridge Family

Committee Notes: Wearing their original 70s clothing.


Committee Notes: Hope you’ve practiced your scales!

Sky Ferreira 

Committee Notes: Debuting her new album hahahahahahaha……… :/.

The guy who sings/raps in your floor bathroom while showering, always at the same time that you brush your teeth

Committee Notes: Surprisingly has a good voice! Rock on, man! 

Creedence Clearwater Revival

Committee Notes: Have you ever seen the rain? Because Prezbo has not.


Committee Notes: For the creeps and for the weirdos.


Committee Notes: Remember those trippy music marble videos you watched in elementary school? That, but live!

Your loud upstairs neighbor

Committee Notes: The tap shoes stay on during the performances.

Little Mix

Committee Notes: Just Jesy Nelson doing her “Jamaican accent”.

Phoebe Bridgers AND Mitski. 

Committee Notes: All Barnard girlies pass out immediately, big day for lesbians.

The National Anthem 

Note: On loop, also an opera rendition.

The Acapella groups on campus that you totally know about

Committee Notes: Of course I know the—looks at smudged writing on hand—the Coda Breakers?

Boys Who Cry

Committee Notes: Student Body’s choice, apparently.

Hildegard von Bingen:

Committee Notes: Apparently the artist furthest along in serious talks with Bacchanal. Leaked poster attached below.


Bacchanal Promotional Images are 100% via Bacchanal and not made by the author