Stop reading your tea leaves and start reading your dining hall scrambled eggs.

Columbia dining is truly a marvel that never ceases to amaze. Considering they make them every single morning, the scrambled eggs somehow always manage to be a surprise.

But have we ever considered that actually, the dining hall eggs could be a message? Here at Bwog, those skilled in divination have consulted the Great Scrambled Egg, and can now bring you your Egg Horoscope.

So today for breakfast, if you got…

…perfect texture eggs
You may think that starting your day off on the right foot is a guarantee of good fortune, but beware. Though today may seem bright and cheery, something more sinister lurked beneath the surface. Keep your friends close, and keep an eye on your enemies.

…eggs that are a little too creamy
These eggs aren’t an aphrodisiac, but they do come close. Text your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your crush. Cupid is in your corner today, so get it on.

…rubbery eggs
Like many days, today will be average. Don’t expect much, and you won’t be disappointed.

…dry eggs
It is still unknown how Columbia Dining manages to make dry eggs, and along with this culinary mystery, today will bring many more questions. Keep your mind open to new discoveries, and you may be rewarded.

…small crumbly Eggs
A close cousin of dry eggs, these eggs are another textural anomaly. So small and pebbly, they barely stay on your fork. Expect some chaos in your life today – prepare for a pop quiz, or maybe a sudden confrontation.

…eggs with little brown burnt bits
The burnt bits of the egg, though they look different, are really no different from the rest of the egg, and so, you shouldn’t take any deviation from the norm at face value today. Sometimes, things aren’t as bad as they seem. Keep your chin up, and your morale high, you’re gonna be ok.

…the Big Egg Block
You know what this is. The big chunk of egg everyone has to carve from to get eggs. Solid, unwavering, yielding strange-textured eggs. Reminds you to set a good foundation – brush up on your lectures, reach out to that friend you’ve been avoiding.

…cold eggs
Call your mother. Though cold eggs can be a neutral force in some rare instances, if you encounter them at John Jay, something evil is surely afoot. The Curse of Cold Egg can be best countered by a Ferris biscuit, or, in a pinch, John Jay cornbread.

…scallion eggs
Everyone knows green means good luck. Today will bring fortune, money, and maybe if you play your cards right, fame. We suggest pairing these eggs with an extra crispy hash brown to maximize your luck.

…eggs from the omelet station
Some would say this is cheating, pushing luck too far. And that’s true, getting objectively better eggs is tipping the scales in your favor to have a good day. Don’t abuse this privilege, as it can come to bite you in the ass when someone steals your omelet order, and you’re stuck eating someone else’s weird toppings.

eggs via Bwarchives