Nick knows his cheeses.

Name, School, Major, Hometown: Nick Porsborg, CC, Poli Sci, Bismarck, North Dakota

Claim to fame: Single-handedly makes up half of the population of North Dakota. 

Where are you going? Back to say hi to the one other person in North Dakota. They’re probably getting lonely. 

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2026?

  1. I have asked for an extension on most of the papers I’ve turned in during my 3 years here, and I’ve never been turned down. Always, always ask, even if it’s an hour before it’s due. 
  2. Go to office hours. We students are all here because we’re nerds, and so are all the professors. It doesn’t have to be about the course, it can be about literally anything: James Shapiro, one of the world’s preeminent Shakespeare scholars, once talked to me for ten minutes about United Airlines’ carry-on luggage policy. They love talking to you, and you’ll love talking to them. 
  3. Do extracurriculars. You don’t need to be an extrovert to make friends, as long as you have structured gatherings to go to once a week. You don’t have to say a word, just go to enough meetings and friendships will just happen. Also, go see performances on campus, even if you aren’t involved.
  4. Bonus: find a private bathroom on campus that only you know about. It’s worth it. 

“Back in my day…” JJ’s was 24 hours, RIP.

Favorite Columbia controversy? JJ’s closing at 10, RIP.

What was your favorite class at Columbia? Policymaking with Judith Russell, you won’t regret it 

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?

You people make me sick. Every year you ask this question people get all cute, with the old “oh, I have so much sex, oh, I could never give up oral sex because I love the taste of vagina in my mouth, vagina is my cheese.” Even Deantini tried to get smart with his answer. You people disgust me. It’s easy to shout out funny answers when you’re sitting here in your ivory tower, when your words have no consequences. But if I asked you the same question, would you rather give up oral sex or cheese, and followed you around every second of your life, making sure every time you entered a bedroom you’d never so much as sneeze on a dick until you were dead in a coffin, every god damned one of you would pick cheese. There’s only one answer. It’s the easiest question on this form. Anything else is utter blasphemy. You wanna know why? Because cheese is the best, most crackalacking food on this entire god forsaken planet. Cheese is the proof that God wants us to be happy. It improves every single food. You wanna put it on a hamburger? Boom, it’s now at least 20% better. You wanna put it between two slices of bread, literally the most boring food on Earth? Grill that bad boy and you’ve got a gourmet grilled cheese sandwich. You wanna mix it with whatever trash you can find on the kitchen floor and put some expensive spinach on top? Congratulations, you’ve just invented broccoli cheese soup, and it’s killer. You’d give all that up just so you can sit on someone’s face? And not just regular cheese. Key lime pie? That’s cheese. Tofu? Kiss it goodbye, because that’s a form of cheese. Cement? Never walk on a sidewalk again, because it’s made from minerals coagulated in water, and therefore it’s a CHEESE. I was born and raised in North Dakota. I’m the whitest guy on this entire campus, I was eating cheese curds while you were all in diapers. I know cheese, and I love cheese, and I won’t let any of you disrespect cheese any longer. You all can make your jokes in private, and act like this is an actual question, when all of you had better know that the only real answer is cheese. With that being said, I’ll keep the oral sex.

Whom would you like to thank? The entire theatre community. Also, the people who write the theatre reviews, for keeping things interesting. 

One thing to do before graduating: Visit a lesbian bar in Greenwich Village. 

Any regrets?: Trying the strawberry mango smoothie at Café East. I’m now addicted. 

Portrait via Nick