There are Martians in Morningside.

New students—both first years and transfer students alike—have moved into their dormitories. The New Student Orientation Program, NSOP, was filled with nearly two weeks of activities to introduce students to their community. This process of collegiate onboarding is enjoyably chaotic and tempestuous. The program is packed with exposure to everything the two schools of Barnumbia have to offer. And the days are defined by the flurry of students rushing around, acquainting themselves with their school, their immediate area, New York City, for some a new country, and for some—it seems—a new planet. 

Following the return of the student body to campus, a triptych of mysterious geometric symbols appeared on Hamilton Lawn. Moreover, a string of circles appeared on Butler Lawn spaced from its perimeter. These were visible through grass yellowing in order to form a message in the terrain. The symbols seem to reflect an alphabet based on combining short, linear segments. Below is an aerial photo of the symbols and a recreation of the Hamilton Lawn message.

While Morningside Heights is not Roswell, New Mexico, it seems that the neighborhood still hosts occasional extraterrestrial visitors. And when aliens arrive they leave a sign of contact. This is no exception to that trend; these formations in the lawns of campus are crop circles. There is, very simply, no other explanation for the symbols in the grass.

The Oxford Dictionary defines crop circles as “an area of standing crops that has been flattened in the form of a circle or more complex pattern.” A key characteristic of crop circles is their mysterious genesis, often attributed to a supernatural or cryptical force. Multiple reputable sources—source: trust me—have linked these specific crop circles as irrefutable proof of alien presence and attempts to communicate with humanity. Grass does not spontaneously perish rectilinearly. And the repeated circles on Butler Lawn serve as further symbols for marking campus for astronomical importance for non-humans. 

It is uncertain what the message represents, whether they are letters spelling a word, an alien name, three words, or something unintelligible. However, a consultation with Bwog Astrolinguistics believes the symbols are three words—“Go rush Bwog!” Wouldn’t you know that aliens have good taste!

But why have extraterrestrials visited campus? One guess is that the crop circles celebrate the arrival of extraterrestrial students because of the recent NSOP activities. Maybe a Martian mother left these markings for her child. Alternatively, a Venusian vandal of a student may have used these markings on the lawn as a tag. But, until someone comes forward, the exact origin is unknown. 

Your roommate, suite mates, classmates, friends may hail beyond the bounds of the atmosphere or perhaps even the bounds of the solar system. If you suspect that someone you know is an extraterrestrial, please contact tips@bwog.com; we’d love to peoplehop—alienhop (?)—them. Also contact astrobiologist (basically studies the potential for aliens) and Columbia Professor Caleb Scharf, he’s a really cool guy!

The Crop Circles! via Author