It’s October 31st and The Purge is upon us… take a look at what must go!

As Halloweekend comes to a close, we reminisce on what could’ve been the anecdote to all things weird: The Purge, Barnumbia Edition. Campus has 12 hours to tear down anything and everything. No dean emails, no professor repercussions, just Lord of the Flies. The following is anecdotal to that of a juice cleanse—just equate Diana’s portion sizes to the purging of all things bad on campus, and you’re good to go.

Things that must go:

• Every single Milstein green chair:
  • There will be no further explanation. (Except that I’m targeting the Barnard couples that swarm the green chair area. Not sorry.)
• Lerner ramps:
  • Why is Lerner the equivalent of an acid trip? Straighten yourself out bro! Replacing the ramps with a life-sized game of Chutes and Ladders should help.
• Stress culture:
  • New York is allowed to chew me up and spit me out, but Columbia? Absolutely not. Let me live in peace.
• Those weird tall desks in the really hot room on the 3rd floor of Butler:
  • You all know exactly what I’m referring to.
• Every statue of a dead white man:
  • (so.. all of them.. do better)
• All of frat row:
  • There. I said it.
  • But also. If frat row is kept, we are abolishing the entry lines.
• Lantern fly carcasses:
  • Not the living ones, just the remains.
• Queer baiting indie people:
  • This one makes me laugh every time because it actually happens around here.
• The Hewitt silverware dispensers:
  • They are consistently out of forks. If I cannot source a fork, then nobody deserves to eat.
• The Chastity gates:
  • This symbol of gendered segregation must go! Broadway is, and will always be, our safe haven.
• Legacy admission:
  • It shouldn’t be a thing, I don’t care.
• The door to Joe’s Coffee:
  • OK the door to Joe’s is always daunting af and ends up closing on itself while I’m holding like 17 different things. Joe’s must be open-faced instead!
• Schermerhorn (but keep the extension):
  • We need to finally give the extension the glory it deserves!!! This school was built on student confusion.
• Dorms built above restaurants:
  • Wu & Nuss, i’m looking right at ya!
• DUO DUO DUO:
  • No thoughts. We are abolishing Duo please and thank you.
• Being mean to the people who work on campus:
  • Be kind I am BEGGING YOU.

I hope that this list inspired you all to dream big. The Purge isn’t all bad if it means Lerner has an actual slide.

Featured Image via Author

Embedded Image via Pixaby