From the makers of the Columbia Marriage Pact, Bwog has obtained an exclusive look at the next matchmaking questionnaire to hit the market.

MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS—Year-round, students at Columbia University and Barnard College in the City of New York may have their attention occupied by the likes of unrelenting midterms, sub sandwiches, and Rick Ross performances, but each year, one event in particular looms large in the social calendar. The most highly-anticipated social event of the year, the much-acclaimed release of the Columbia Marriage Pact, has already come to pass this term, and naturally, students are already turning ahead to next year’s festivities. However, through exhaustive investigative journalism and intrusions in at least one cybersecurity apparatus, Bwog has discovered that Barnumbia students will not have to endure another year of constant midterms and Mary C. Boyce emails before the next Marriage Pact-style phenomenon rolls around, as Bwog has obtained exclusive access to a set of questions that will be distributed as part of a high-profile sequel to the Columbia Marriage Pact, the Columbia Divorce Pact.

Bwog has acquired parts of a confidential press release elaborating that the organizers of the Marriage Pact at Columbia Student Initiative have designed a new quiz in response to ravenous demand by avid consumers of its time-honored annual content. This new product is tailored to give Barnumbia students the opportunity to experience (in the words of their leaked press release) their glamorous “go through an ugly divorce while looking hot and wearing sunglasses” era. “This project is designed to fulfill power trip and emotional complexity fantasies,” the press release announced, specifically evoking the example of Jason Sudeikis, Olivia Wilde, and Harry Styles. “We all secretly want to experience a romantic fallout so taut and unremitting that it compels one to throw oneself in front of the wheels of an automobile, with the roles we wish to play varying depending on each person’s individual desires,” the press release goes on to claim. “The Columbia Divorce Pact has been designed to replicate this experience, and fulfill this urge as effectively and viscerally as possible. Whereas the algorithm of the Columbia Marriage Pact matches similar dispositions to produce the most compatible situations, the Columbia Divorce Pact attempts to realize its product not simply by matching contrasting dispositions, but by pairing respondents according to their individual propensity for dramatic outbursts.”

When paired with the intensive questionnaire and carefully tailored results of the Marriage Pact, the Divorce Pact is aimed at pointing respondents in the general direction of anybody with whom they are not remotely compatible, and with whom a relationship will invariably end in flames, but in a memorable, thrilling, and emotionally exhausting way. The Divorce Pact is set to hit theaters on Wednesday, November 21 to capitalize on Thanksgiving break hometown despondency and yearning to be the main character in a passionate, tumultuous story of love gone sour.

Note: The materials Bwog uncovered were initially written entirely in 12-point purple-font Comic Sans; in recognition of the distress and heartbreak already caused by the Columbia Marriage Pact, the head of Bwog’s political bureau, the Bwog Viceroy-In-Residence, has elected to change the font to adjust to our existing typeface standards.


Are you a legacy, dean’s interest list, or child of staff admit?

Did you know who Rick Ross was before Bacchanal 2022?

Have you ever considered majoring in philosophy?

Do you enjoy reading the Lattimore translation of the Iliad?

Have you ever written an op-ed for the Spectator? (If so, do you hate yourself?)

Do you prefer Ferris pasta or John Jay pasta?

Do you regularly sleep with jeans and/or socks on?

Are you more of a sexy baby or a monster on the hill?

Do you have read receipts turned on?

Do you read emails from Provost Mary C. Boyce in their entirety?

Do you eat ice cream by taking bites out of it?

Can you experience and act upon human empathy?

FREE RESPONSE BONUS ROUND: Submit your own answer in the spaces provided below.

What is your male manipulator band and/or movie of choice?

Which character in Pulp Fiction would you be?

What are your thoughts on the grad student strike during the 2021 fall semester?

How many weird, problematic, or rude comments have you made about GS students?

Which religion is the correct one?

How many Bwog articles do you read per week?

What could Bwog do to increase your readership?

Ask not what Bwog could do for you—what could you do for Bwog?

Would you die for Bwog?

Will you join the glorious cause?

When the hallowed trumpets ring and sound the initiation of the new order in the cauldron of volcanic truth, will you respond to the call?

Will you donate $10 today? I’ll be blunt, Y/N—WE NEED YOU this upcoming Bwoglines Day. I’m begging you, Y/N— without your donation, Bwog is in dire straits. DONATE NOW to protect the integrity of the journalism and buildings-as-objects articles that maintain our livelihood. ARE YOU IN, Y/N? Will you step up?

Would you still love me if I was a—

Editor’s Note: This marks the end of the press release obtained by Bwog’s writers, due to the messaging limits on the Blackberries we use to transmit sensitive information.

Emotional Turmoil via Wikimedia Commons