Just one man living a double life and throwing us all off his trail with delicious (?) Italian cuisine.

With the recent opening of Chef Don’s Pizza Pi in Mudd, many Columbia students, myself included, have found themselves speculating about this new dining hall’s relationship to the highly regarded Chef Mike’s Sub Shop. Is there really enough room on this campus for two chefs with their own eateries? What is the significance of there being another ‘chef’ themed establishment? Do not fear, I am here to quell all of your unrest, by making one thing crystal clear: Chef Don and Chef Mike are the same person, alla Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus circa the early 2000s. 

I will qualify this bwogspiracy using three main claims:

  1. We (certified sources that must remain unnamed for their own protection) have never seen Chef Don and Chef Mike in the same room. 
  2. Don and Mike are both Italian names, and, in the same vein, pizza (pi) and subs are both Italian. 
  3. There can only be one capital “C” Chef on this campus, and we all know it.

For starters, you need to ask yourself, have you ever seen Chef Don and Chef Mike in the same room? That’s right, you haven’t. If for whatever reason you think you have, you must be confused. If you are thinking, I don’t even know what they look like, then a) you need to come out from whatever rock you’ve been living under, and b) I have graciously placed photos of both of them in the header. This photo was photoshopped together and is definitely not a photo of the two of them in the same room because that is obviously impossible, I am just a very skillful photo editor. 

They could be twins! And what are twins if not one person who is constantly trying to trick you into thinking there are two of them. 

Moving on, they are both very Italian. We are talking full-blown pizza and sub sandwich Italian–see also, (said with a thick Italian accent) spaghetti, parmigiano, mozzarella, ciao, Luigi, etc. They are so Italian that they both have Italian names. Now, the mastermind behind all of this thought he could get away with it, but he failed to account for my incredible investigative abilities, and also got sloppy and chose too similar names. I mean, come on, Mike and Don? Not only do they share a country of origin, they are only one letter different in length. Could it be more obvious?

If I haven’t convinced you yet, prepare to have your mind blown. Here is one final question to ponder: Do you really believe there could be more than one Chef (insert name here) on Columbia’s campus? Technically, and not hyperbolically, speaking, it is almost statistically impossible that Chef Don and Chef Mike could co-exist on this campus without dueling Wild-West style, forcing the weaker to leave, never to be seen again. I will make only one concession to this theory, which is that while there may have once been both a Chef Mike and a Chef Don, they would have had to battle much sooner, and one of them by now surely would have been outlawed, leaving the remaining Chef to live a double life as both the pizza aficionado and sub supremacist. 

Either way, Chef Mike and Chef Don are the same person now, and we all need to face the facts. I hope this post will compel whoever the Chef really is to confess, so we can all live in truthful times once again. 

Header via Columbia