Bwog brings you the latest from the front lines.

SCHAPIRO HALL — A spy balloon attributed to none other than Cornell University was shot down by Columbia University late Thursday night. The spy balloon was first detected by NYU sensors traveling north of Washington Square Park, loosely following the path of the 1 line train tracks. Scouts in Carlton Arms confirmed the balloon’s trajectory as it approached Morningside Heights, and it first made contact with Columbia airspace at 11:54 pm after passing over John Jay Hall, using the steam from the John Jay and JJ’s Place dining halls as cover to quietly position itself over Columbia.

Columbia President Lee Bollinger acted quickly, giving the all-clear to mounted artillery positioned strategically atop Hamilton Hall and Dodge Hall. The balloon was drifting over Butler Lawn when artillery began firing upon it, crippling the balloon and causing it to spiral onto Low Plaza, where it was finally downed.

The initial impact of the downed balloon led to the partial destruction of much of East Dick Fountain, as well as some damage to West Dick Fountain. Buell Hall also experienced a full collapse in the wake of the incident; however, it seemingly did not take any direct damage from the balloon itself, and simply fell over like a cardboard cutout when the balloon made contact with Low Plaza, because it’s old as hell.

The nature of the balloon’s material is currently unknown, but analysts with Columbia Dining have confirmed that it was the length of thirty Chef Mike subs stacked end to end. Said one Dining operant, “this one’s not like Chef Mike’s grandma makes it”. The spy balloon’s purpose is unknown, but it was emblazoned with the crest of Cornell University, prompting whispers of renewed tensions between the two institutions.

President Bollinger and his impending successor, President-Designate Minouche “The Baroness” Shafik, have moved quickly to establish order in such a tense and fragile situation (notably, Barnard President-Designate Elon Musk has been deliberately kept in the dark about all of this, for all our sakes). To shore up and consolidate Columbia’s defense capabilities and coordinate a potential response, celebrity chef Robert Irvine of the Food Network’s Restaurant: Impossible has been appointed commander of the Columbia ground forces.

President Bollinger and Commander Irvine have been in close contact with NYU President Andrew D. Hamilton (at a time when relations between Columbia and NYU have been improving, as signified by the revival of a spicy will they-won’t they between independent student journals Bwog and NYU Local), and are sharing all information at this time. Additionally, at the request of Fordham President Tania Tetlow, President Bollinger dispatched F-22 jets from a launchpad atop Alfred Lerner Hall to investigate reports of a second Cornell spy balloon, which was pursued all the way across the Hudson River to the border of New Jersey, where the F-22 pilots turned away out of revulsion.

Bwog will provide further updates as more information comes to light.

Cornell Balloon Recovery via Bwog Field Team …definitely not Chinese Balloon Envelope Recovery