Searching for a great pizza spot? Look no further than Barnumbia’s dining halls! Or maybe don’t.

In honor of this past week’s Battle of the Dining Halls, Bwog decided to bring in their own professional chef (2 girls) to rank each dining hall’s selection of pizza (1 snack). This dining hall challenge: Pizza. Which dining hall will do it best? There’s been a lot of buzz on Bwog lately about Chef Don’s pizza, so we wanted to put Chef Don to the ultimate test. Can he beat his pizza predecessors? Which dining hall will win this ultimate pizza showdown? Stay tuned to hear our thoughts and rankings on which dining hall will take home the coveted trophy for the best pizza on campus!

Hewitt

First, we made a visit to Hewitt, and we were thoroughly pleased. When you are craving a good pizza on campus and you don’t want to spend actual money on it, Hewitt should be your only choice. Hewitt’s pizza can be described as the perfect balance between cheese and tomato sauce, unlike the filthy shit they serve at Ferris or Chef Don’s tomato juice soup. They also have quite a variety of options every day, whether it’s beef or a classic cheese pizza to bring you comfort. Maybe Hewitt’s pizza is actually simply decent and our expectations are way too low, but as usual, Barnard does it best.

Diana

Then we hopped over to Diana and almost passed away when having that line in sight. You’d think the long line would mean that the meal you get afterward is really good, but Diana just isn’t delivering anymore. Chef Don really got into Diana’s head, and they’ve been trying to change their own recipe ever since Don moved in on the block. Whoever decided to switch things up, though, made a horrible mistake. Where did the pizza go? It’s half the size of the box now! And what happened to our thin crust? It’s debatable whether this pizza is even worth a whole meal swipe. In the distant past, the pizza was worth the wait. That past is long gone. Get a burrito bowl instead. 

Ferris Booth Commons

Having tasted Barnard’s offerings, we headed towards Columbia’s campus with Ferris being our first stop. For those of you who have never eaten Ferris pizza, don’t. We’re not even sure if this can be considered pizza because the crust looks and tastes like cardboard. The plain cheese pizza was the best slice we could find to show you, dear readers, and even then, it was horrific. What kind of cheese is this? We might have to confirm with Ferris that their pizza was indeed made with cheese and not rubber. This pizza is practically inedible, and it’s hardly photogenic. Do you really want to eat something that you’d be embarrassed to post on your Instagram story first? We know it’s tempting to grab a quick slice when you’re in a rush, but trust us, the wait for literally anything else is worth it. 

We don’t even want to take another look at Ferris pizza, for we value our stomachs’ well-being and especially, our mental health. God save us all.

Chef Don’s 

Finally, we trekked over to Mudd to visit our newest pizza spot on campus. We regret it. Oh, Chef Don’s. You have many apologists within Bwog, but we cannot defend you. Chef Don’s Pizza Pi, I would use all the energy you put into creating that name into actually making some good quality pizza. You have one item on the menu—pizza—and you somehow fuck it up. We’ve been waiting for you to finally perfect your recipe, but we’re starting to doubt that day will come. Every time we visit, it’s hit or miss. This time was a miss, and we must be honest with our readers on that account. At least your pizza fills the entire box, though. You’ve beaten Diana in that respect.

Our Final Ranking 

After giving it so much thought and consideration, we carefully crafted a ranking of dining hall pizza on campus. Based on the quality and quantity of pizza in each serving, we’ve decided on the following ranking. Do be advised that the ranking is subject to change as Diana and Chef Don’s make up their fucking minds and pick a recipe.

1. Hewitt
2. Chef Don’s
3. Diana
4. Ferris Booth Commons

If you actually want a good quality pizza that doesn’t leave you wondering what is wrong with food on campus, we recommend spending a few dollars off-campus and saving yourself from this disgraceful journey.

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