Bwog investigates the question that’s been on everybody’s minds.

As we all know, this past winter, former Secretary of State, 2016 Democratic presidential nominee, former First Lady of the United States, and former Senator from New York State Hillary Rodham Clinton was appointed to a teaching position at our very own Columbia University. All indicators (multiple articles, press releases, and even a statement from Hillary herself) identified February 1, 2023 as the day on which Ms. Clinton was to begin her time as a member of Columbia’s faculty. However, Bwog has discovered that it is currently, in fact, the first week of March—yet Secretary Clinton has yet to assume her post at SIPA. No classes taught by the former First Lady are listed in any Columbia database, and her name does not appear in the faculty registry for SIPA or any other Columbia website.

Naturally, after this shocking discovery, Bwog got to work to get to the bottom of the mystery of the former presidential candidate’s absence from Columbia. Unfortunately, our staff writers obtained no concrete evidence of her location, but we did devote quite a bit of energy speculating as to her whereabouts. The case is not closed, but here are some places where Bwog’s intrepid staffers have theorized Hillary might be right now!

  • Still wandering in the Chappaqua woods like she did after the 2016 election.
    • As a former Chappaqua resident, I can confidently say that Hillary is trapped in the gym of my elementary school (Douglas Grafflin Elementary), infamously the place where she voted during the 2016 election.
  • Waiting for an omelet in John Jay.
  • Somewhere in Manhattan still waiting on her Via to get to campus.
  • Playing Pokemon Go.
  • Designing and fitting her own Pantone 292 pantsuit line.
  • Writing another mystery thriller with Louise Penny.
  • Dartmouth poached her already.
  • She got stuck in the tunnels. 
  • She was never actually supposed to come. they just said she was going to in order to get good rep with the press and prospective students. Aka like a PR relationship—fake. 
  • She’s just doing a normal job but she’s wearing a mustache and sunglasses and has a fake name and nobody thinks anything of it. Clark Kent style. 
  • Maybe she works a night shift. 
  • Maybe she got the wrong Columbia and is at Columbia College Chicago.
  • Maybe The Independent took her.
  • She’s here. She just can’t let us know because they don’t trust her with emails quite yet.
  • Benghazi.
  • She’s just chillin’ in Cedar Rapids.
  • Having an extended mother-daughter lunch with Columbia Adjunct Assistant Professor Chelsea Clinton.
  • Butler Ref.
  • Chef Don’s Pizza Pi.
  • In the sundial (free her)
  • Lerner Satow Room, 9 pm on Thursdays.
  • Posing as Alma (she’s keeping very still and it’s been very hard).
  • In your Litum class.
  • Fell into the McBain shaft.
  • The Barnard pool.
  • Having a romantic date with Bill at Coney Island.
  • Sitting at the president’s desk while PrezBo is not in the room, reclining in his chair, sighing and thinking to herself “so this is what it feels like”.
  • Stuck on the Mudd roof and can’t get back in.
  • She lives in Carlton.
  • She’s in the Mail Center in the package they shipped her in, they just haven’t processed her yet.
  • Mel’s.

Bwog will reward any information on Hillary’s whereabouts with a bounty of $10,000 Dining Dollars!*


Image of a beaming Columbia faculty member via Wikimedia Commons