Sorry Alma, the arms aren’t right.
As we approach the midway point of the final season of Succession, I know there’s only so much time left with some of my favorite characters on television. To honor these Machiavellian f*cks, I’ve immortalized them by assigning them to buildings on the Barnumbia campus.
Cousin Greg: Lerner Hall
As someone who has seen Disgusting Brother Jr. in the flesh (humble brag), I feel qualified to say that Greg best embodies Lerner Hall. Much like Cousin Greg, Lerner Hall is the new kid on the block and is still trying to figure out how to integrate into the rest of campus. Lerner’s awkward ramps and echoes feel like the natural counterpart to Greg’s vaguely threatening gangliness. And don’t tell me Greg wouldn’t throw a housewarming party called “Greg House Rocks”.
Tom: International Affairs Building
Much like Disgusting Brother Sr.’s relation to the Roys, the International Affairs building feels more like an awkward appendage to Columbia than a true part of it. If it is to be said, the SIPA building is also tall and international, much like Matthew MacFadyen.
Logan: Low Library
As one of the oldest buildings on campus, Low Library carries a certain legacy that makes it feel like the most influential presence on campus—even if it feels somewhat old-guard and past its prime. Plus, the puns are endless—L to the OW, Low-gan, etc.
Roman: Butler Library
A little cursed, a little grimy… Like Roman Roy, Butler inspires many raunchy jokes (see: the stacks), but it’s really focused on buckling down and proving yourself
to your disappointed father to your professors. It also feels more like Logan (aka Low Library) than any of the other buildings on campus, and it was even created to replace Low after it was decided to be a dysfunctional library in the 1930s. (I am one of those people who think Roman will win it all.) Also, if you spend all your time in Butler, you have slime puppy energy. I’m sorry.
Shiv: Pulitzer Hall
Much like Shiv, Pulitzer Hall feels like it should be important, but I’m not exactly sure why. Pulitzer’s an iconic part of the South Lawn family, but what does the building actually… do? Its importance feels tied up in its name and not necessarily its impact on the Columbia community. That being said, I’m very glad it’s there.
Kendall: Uris Hall
A little cringe, a little bro-y… going to work in Uris is for the people who claim they want to get stuff done but are too busy screwing around to actually finish the job. Uris Hall, I love you, but you are not a serious building.
Connor: Chandler Hall
Chandler Hall would probably poll at a soft 1% for Barnumbia students’ favorite building, but… there is a chance that it could be squeezed down.
Marcia: Pupin Hall
I have no doubt that Marcia will outlive and outsmart everyone on this show—she will be the one to survive the nuclear blast. Pupin Hall invented the atomic bomb, so that feels sufficiently nuclear blast-proof.
Willa: Diana Center
Willa is Succession’s answer to the people’s princess, so it only feels right to designate her as the Diana Center. I can absolutely see Willa setting up shop in the Glicker-Milstein Theater to put on a revival of Sands. It’ll give her some much-needed space from the rest of her husband’s crazy family.
Frank and Karl: Hamilton and Kent
It only makes sense that two of Logan’s right-hand men, Frank and Karl, should be named as two of Columbia’s staple academic buildings. These two are always trading witty insults (many of Frank’s being Shakespeare-themed), so it only seems fair that they inhabit the buildings housing many English and language classes.
Kerry: Alma Mater Statue
Technically not a building, but let’s be honest, Kerry will not be around long enough for that anyways. As Logan’s personal assistant (and side piece), it only makes sense that she would be Alma, the baddie stationed outside Low Library day and night. Alma’s arms are also reminiscent of Kerry’s in her newscaster audition—they’re not right, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed in two years.
Connor’s Mom: Buell Hall
Victoria sponge cake, anyone?
Kerry Mater via Solomia Dzhaman