What if the Hunger Games took place on Columbia’s campus with the four undergraduate schools as the victors?

As I’m sure most of you know, The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is finally out! I am very unashamed about the fact that I am a lifelong Hunger Games stan. I’ve read all the books, watched all the movies, and analyzed every single detail of the series. And so, naturally, I wanted to do something to celebrate the release of the new movie. So, I figured, why not take the Sidechat debate over which of the four schools is better, and put it in the context of the Hunger Games?

In the 2023 Columbia University Hunger Games, there are four victors: SEAS, Columbia College (CC), General Studies (GS), and Barnard College (BC).

The Day Of The Games

11:55 am: The victors are in position; the games are about to start. BC and CC are both feeling confident. Barnard has the most sponsors, they impressed a lot of people at the victor’s parade with their outfit. SEAS is less confident; they feel intimidated by the two schools. GS is neutral, they really wish that they didn’t have to be there but they’re putting up with it.

11:58 am: BC and CC won’t take their eyes off the other one, even though the cannons have yet to sound, they don’t trust each other enough to turn their backs. SEAS is trying not to look at their competition. Their gaze is focused only forward on the cornucopia in the middle where all the supplies lay. They’re trying to come up with a plan. GS is calm. They’ve spotted a bow and arrow close to where they’re standing. They’re going to grab it as soon as they can.

12:00 pm: The cannons sound, the games have begun.

12:01 pm: GS grabs the bow and arrow and runs off into the forest. SEAS runs into the cornucopia to grab supplies. They find a bag of food, some wire, and a machete before they decide they should go find some sort of a shelter. BC spots a backpack and grabs it as CC goes for a first aid kit and a pack of matches. After getting their supplies, both BC and CC follow SEAS and GS into the forest.

12:05 pm: BC opens their backpack. Inside they find: some bread, a flashlight, an empty water bottle, and a knife.

12:10 pm: GS is in the process of building a shelter. They feel that they have an advantage over the other three schools, seeing as they have more life experience. They plan to wait it out, at least for a little while, and let them kill each other.

12:13 pm: CC is trying to find BC. They think that BC is their biggest threat, if they can eliminate BC, then they can win the whole thing.

12:14 pm: BC has found a river and fill their water bottle. They know it might not be the most sanitary thing to do but they figure it’s better than dehydration.

12:15 pm: SEAS doesn’t want to kill anyone, but they don’t want to die either. They know that BC and CC have it out for each other. They know that they will try and kill each other first. And SEAS is going to let them. Their logic is that when one of them kills the other, there will be less competition for them. So, for now they’ll wait. But when either CC or BC falls, SEAS will be ready to face the survivor.

12:17 pm: It’s almost 20 minutes into the games and CC can’t find BC. CC’s plan was to eliminate BC as soon as possible to eliminate their threat. They didn’t think it would be this hard.

12:26 pm: BC is still by the river. Amid all the chaos, they find the relaxing nature of the river to be calming. They know that CC is likely looking for them. They know they must keep moving, they don’t want CC to sneak up behind them. It would be better if they found CC first.

12:30 pm: BC and CC are hunting for each other. GS has found shelter in a cave. SEAS is working on hand-to-hand combat by pretending a tree is their competitor.

1:00 pm: GS is staying alert, but not seeking out combat, if it comes to them, they’ll engage, but they won’t go looking for it. BC had a step-by-step plan on how to approach the Hunger Games. They figured that they would have eliminated CC by now. This is messing with their plan. BC is getting annoyed.

1:21 pm: BC is walking through the forest when out of the corner of their eye, they spot CC.

1:22 pm: BC knows that they have the upper hand here. They have to be stealthy and creep up behind CC. They pull the knife out of their pocket.

1:23:05 pm: BC walks quietly up behind CC.

1:23:30 pm: CC hears something behind them.

1:23:44 pm: CC turns around.

1:24:34 pm: fighting ensues. (paint this picture in your mind, I can’t go into detail, this is a family friendly article)

1:28 pm: SEAS hears yelling.

1:29 pm: SEAS realizes that CC and BC have finally found each other. They walk towards the commotion. They can see both of them through the trees. SEAS has clear sight of both BC and CC but both of them are too wrapped up in fighting each other to notice SEAS’s presence.

1:30 pm: SEAS realizes their advantage.

1:31 pm: SEAS can eliminate both of their biggest competitors right now. They just have to figure out how to do it.

1:32 pm: SEAS notices that BC and CC are standing under a hive. A hive that, had they been paying attention during training rather than trying to outperform the other one, they should have known contains lethal bees called Tracker Jackers. SEAS has a plan. They grab their machete and begin to quietly climb the tree the two other schools are standing under.

1:33 pm- SEAS has made it to the top of the tree where the hive is. They begin to cut through the branch that the hive is attached to, sustaining some stings, but not enough to really hurt them.

1:30 – 4:05 pm: SEAS has cut through the whole branch.

1:30 – 4:15 pm: the hive falls.

1:34:25 pm: SEAS plugs their ears.

1:34:50 pm: two cannons go off.

1:35 pm: SEAS retreats into the forest. GS hears the cannons. Only SEAS and GS are left.

1:40 pm: GS decides that it’s time to leave the cave. There’s only one person left, and GS wants to win.

1:45 pm: to draw GS and SEAS together, the gamemakers add more supplies to the cornucopia.

1:46 pm: GS and SEAS are on their way to the cornucopia.

1:50 pm: Both GS and SEAS arrive at the cornucopia.

1:52 pm: GS spots a tree they know has poison sap. They dip their arrows into the sap to create an even deadlier weapon.

1:52 pm: while GS is preparing their weapon, SEAS finds a generator. They know they can build something with that and their wire.

1:54 pm: with their weapons ready, GS and SEAS meet at the center of the cornucopia.

1:54 pm-2:11 pm: the final battle. GS is barely missing SEAS with their arrows. SEAS can’t seem to get their machine to work.

2:11 pm: finally, the generator turns on, and SEAS’s machine comes to life, sending an electric wave through the wire and onto GS.

2:12 pm: the final cannon goes off. SEAS has won.

Capital via Deviant Art