This week, one lucky Columbia student was able to learn some of the insanity behind the average Barnard student through an exam lovingly made by his Barnard friends.

Next semester, me and some friends are pulling in our Columbia friend, who for the purposes of this article, we will call Moby, into Barnard housing. We felt that the Barnard community has certain bases that one needs to be familiar with to be truly welcomed. So, we decided to put Moby to the test and see if he truly has what it takes to be a part of Barnard housing. 

Making this exam was a challenge. There is so much behind the average Barnard student. Many things that you must have just been there to understand. My (primarily queer) friends and I came up with some basic topics we felt were important to unpacking the average Barnard student. Some of these include:

1. The ideal Barnard student
   1. Hobbies
   2. Coffee orders
   3. Fun little drink philosophies
   4. Friend group main characters 
2. Tumblr 2014 lore 
3. Sun, moon, and rising signs
4. Important figures in loser pop culture
   1. Lin Manuel Miranda
   2. Dan and Phil
5. Important figures in gay pop culture
   1. Boygenius (EMPHASIS ON THIS)
   2. Muna
   3. Hozier
6. Pop culture discussion skills
   1. A vague idea of the Twilight Lore
   2. A vague idea of what RuPaul’s Drag Race is
   3. A vague idea of who Matty Healy is (he is hated in this household no worries… he is just important in terms of the Tumblr situationship portion)
7. Celebrity situationships/messy relationships (know at least one super well. (example: a Taylor Swift situationship, Phoebe Bridgers situationship, etc.)
8. Barnard geography
   1. Dining halls and hours
   2. Lounging Areas
9. Girl Math
10. Historical examples

This was a very thorough exam that covered a lot of topics. To match the complexity of the themes the 11-page (yes, 11-page) exam included a true or false portion, short answer questions, multiple choice questions, a math section, long answer questions, an auditory portion, POV section, and visual analysis. 

I decided that before giving Moby the exam, we should test it on two Barnard students to make sure that the test was not impossible. Said students quickly made their way through the exam, finishing in a little less than an hour, and got an 83% and 91%. The weakest areas for these students were the auditory portion (by far) and (girl) math section. Some strengths were the long answer question section and visual analysis. Here are some highlights from the Barnard students’ exams:

Due to the difficult nature of the exam, you could earn up to 13 bonus points. However, the point total of the exam was 190, so this is not a huge advantage.

After a long week of studying, Moby finally took the exam. He sat for the full three hours and used up three extra sheets of paper. On his way up to my dorm, I caught him looking up Destiel which was an objectively insane experience considering that when we first met, I told him Millie Bobby Brown got engaged and he asked me who that was. 

Grading the exam was a really great experience. Here I will include some of my favorite portions of his exam, which left me with a changed perspective on life. I will transcribe some of these because his handwriting is illegible:

“I do not deserve to be in Barnard Housing. Only through Vivi’s grace can I be justified. It is like you are god and I am human. My original sin is being a man. All I can do is submit myself before you in hopes of being justified. For more, see Augustine’s City of God.” (There was a verse of poetry after this one as well)

“Men should be allowed to eat dessert but only when given permission by women. Too often, men portray themselves as authority figures that enable women to participate in society in an “equal” manner. However, in the context of dessert eating, the roles should be reversed.”

“As a historical example, consider the fact that chocolate chip cookies were invented by a woman. Thus, in this case, women enabled men to participate in one of the greatest desserts of all time. Therefore, this mentality should be extended to all  desserts.”

With these in mind maybe you understand why Moby scored a grand total of 192 points out of 190 points, giving him a 101%, or A+++++. The first thing he did when he got his results back was to take a picture and send it into a groupchat with both of the beta testers who were more than a little shocked that they were bested. 

Moving on, when asked about his study process, Moby happily said in one interview:

Moby: Well, I made a Spotify playlist…I utilized GENIUS, cause Lord knows I’m not a genius. Then kind of thirty minutes before I just did a quick Google search. It was kind of embarrassing when I was looking up RuPaul’s Drag Race and my roommate was in the room, and he probably definitely saw my browser, but the grind is so real that it doesn’t matter.

Interviewer: Yeah, I feel like you shouldn’t be embarrassed of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Moby: No I’m not…Should I be embarrassed of Destiel?

Interviewer: Yes! Um. but… ah.. What do you think you took away from this experience?

Moby: Now I feel like I have an appreciation and a knowledge of the culture here… it’s kind of like you go to Columbia and you live isolated from half of your fellow classmates… sometimes you kind of need to… go through the chastity gates?”

Interviewer: Wait—interruption. If someone asked you if you go to Columbia or Barnard, what would you respond?

Moby: Yeah, I do.

Interviewer: Columbia or Barnard?

Moby: Yep, yeah, I do.

That is the end of the story. If you are seriously interested in taking the exam, reach out.

Images via Author

Header via Bwog Archives