Smuggling is good!

At the beginning of the year, I was fresh out of a great summer full of good food and the thought of having to go back to eating dining hall nastiness repulsed me. My head was full of grand dreams of packing little lunches for myself like those gentle parenting TikToks and cooking delicious and well balanced meals for dinner. I figured that I’d only really go to the dining halls if my friends wanted to grab a quick bite with me. I probably wouldn’t even use all of my meal swipes!

ALL of that was proven to be a lie.

It was a pipe dream, I had delusions of grandeur, showcased my naïveté, and proved that I was just plain dumb. Once my classes started up, I found myself incapable of cooking and too broke and cheap to eat out. My 30 meal swipes a semester needed to go as far as I could make them. So if you ever find yourself in this situation, here are my top 8 helpful tips!

1. Those little takeout coffee cups can masquerade a number of different foods to be smuggled out! Fill a coffee cup with hard boiled eggs. When you walk past dining hall attendants just pretend to take a sip. It’s foolproof.
2. Similarly, to-go soft drink cups are also great to hide things in. While these cups are see-through, they still work perfectly for some smuggling uses. Fill the cups with different syrups and sweeteners. This is a bit more risky because if you walk by a dining hall attendant you will probably have to chug some hazelnut syrup. That’s the risk you take when you begin a life of thievery, I guess.
3. Hewitt’s dedication to reusable plates, cups, and utensils is very annoying. Good for the planet and mankind, sure, but mostly annoying. However, I have found a great way to bypass this obstacle. Just pretend that you brought in your own dishware. If anyone stops you as you try to smuggle out plates of food you can just say “this is my plate! I bought it with my own money, Barnard!” This will likely confuse them, and if you bring up the fact that you’re “girl bossing” they legally have to let you go. Talk about a life hack!
4. My white whale as far as smuggling goes are those stupid freestyle machines or whatever they’re called. You know, they’re the soda machines with a billion options! This isn’t so much a tip as it is a call to action. Please help me get one of those guys out of Ferris. Please I want one in my dorm so bad.
5. It’s very easy to shove handfuls of ice cream out of JJ’s. They’ve got that one Blue Bunny freezer in the seating area and there’s no way that anyone would try to stop you from just taking the whole thing. Actually, all of JJ’s is kind of a free for all. The music blasting through the speakers 24/7 is also a good cover. If someone does try to stop you (unlikely) you can always just pretend that you can’t hear them and walk out anyways.
6. Speaking of JJ’s you’d have to be a fool to not take the entire container of M&M’s everytime you eat there. Those suckers are just begging to get stolen!
7. John Jay is pretty densely populated, but in case of desperation you can take the ice cream scoop. Just shove it in your pocket. It’s not particularly helpful, but it is funny.
8. In case of emergency you can always go full chipmunk. Shove as much food as you can in your mouth and when you’re in a secure location, you can spit it all out and eat it later!

Oh and in case you were wondering, I’m still on the 30 meal swipe plan for next semester. Never doubt just how cheap and stubborn I can be. Anyone who’s down to help me steal a coke freestyle machine, hit me up.

The Cunning Thief by Paul Charles Chocarne-Moreau via Wikimedia Commons