I think we’ve seen this film before… and we REALLY liked the ending!

The Tortured Students Department of Barnumbia has a lot to say about Taylor Swift’s surprise Grammy announcement regarding the April 19 release of her 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department (TTPD). Here’s a running list of predictions about blondie’s newest era:

“Taylor Swift, my culture is NOT your costume!”

Meet Jasmine Kapadia, BC ‘26, a proud slam poet. In 2022, alongside one of her teammates, she performed a satire poem about tortured poets at Brave New Voices, a national slam poetry competition. She even posted an Instagram reel of their performance, along with the caption, “Tortured Poets? @taylorswift has 24 hours to respond.” Here are Jasmine’s TTPD predictions:

  • “She’s mining my culture.”
  • “She’s gonna write identity poems and go full slam poet.”
  • “I’m predicting lots of metaphors about how her parents are immigrants from Tennessee and how they worked on a farm and harvested Christmas trees.”
  • “She’s gonna write a track about being stuck between her country roots and pop future.”
  • (About the first track Fortnight): “It’s actually only one song called Fortnite (spelled like the video game) that’s 1.5 hours long and the background music is just Post Malone playing through Fortnite and rage quitting.”

Jasmine, who hurt you? Sounds like you’re waiting at the lakes where all the poets went to die and hoping that all your elegies eulogize you.

“Kravis Jelce.”

Erin Torres, BC ‘26, is not a Swiftie. In fact, most of the time she only listens to Taylor because of me. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t obsessed with Taylor (and boy, she understands) and predicting every next move:

  • “So opposite of Travis Kelce. She’s gonna write about basketball. She’s gonna write about her mans Lebron James.”
  • “What’s the opposite of a poet? The caressed… not poets collection. She’s gonna go brunette.”
  • Erin’s pre-tracklist release predictions included: “Hater,” “Blue,” “Saylor Twift,” “Rocklore,” “9891,” “Sunrises,” “Forever hold your piece,” “Silence Later,” and “Anonymity.” (Obviously, the tracklist is now revealed, but these were her guesses. Bonus points if you can guess what references these are to!)

Erin, you sound really judgmental. But the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate I guess. Taylor’s just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off.


Next up is Skyla Cui, BC ‘26, who decided to go straight for violence with her singular but incredibly based take which gave me traumatic flashbacks to Taylor’s role in Cats. Skyla told me that “The Tortured Poets Department will be centered around Taylor Swift’s admiration for James Corden’s poetic take on her favorite animal in Cats (the movie).”

Cats (Skyla’s Version) in theaters soon? 

The Serious Swiftie

Dori Baron, CC ‘26, is probably the most serious Swiftie I asked. Her brain was fried after her Biology II exam, but of course, amid all the speculation, she had to give me her very valid, evidence-backed, and serious speculation: “My thoughts are that it’s the real break-up album and is folklore aesthetic but more Midnights sounding, and I think there will be lots of Taylor cussing.”

It’s clear that Dori is a Taylor Swift scholar, and unlike everyone else, she said only good things. Besides, she’s one of the few Swifties who actually won the Ticketmaster battle and got to see her live. What can you say, she keeps her side of the street clean.

Baby, Let The Games Begin!

As for my take, I guess all I have to say is that TTPD’s announcement confirms that there really is not a lot going on at the moment, but that I-I-I seeeeee how this is gonna go. If you know, you know.

From the time this article is released, there are exactly 69 days, 7 hours, 0 minutes, and 0 seconds until TTPD releases. Barnumbia, are you ready for it?

Taylor Swift via Bwog Archives