It’s me: the eggs-pert.

Once upon a time, I got my wisdom teeth removed on Easter. High on anesthesia, I sobbed to my family until they let me (still very drugged and in excruciating pain) hunt for Easter eggs at our family party. So yeah, I’m pretty dedicated. I’m committ-egg. I’m devot-egg. And most importantly, I’m out of egg puns.

Whether you want your campus egg hunt to be a pathetic failure or a resounding success, here’s the eggs-pert’s list of the best and worst places to hide Easter eggs. 

The Good:

Hamilton: Every floor feels hauntingly the same so your egg seekers may get confused and twisted around, causing them to leave behind some hidden Easter eggs. 

Trees on College Walk: It would certainly be fun to watch your classmates, friends, and peers struggle to climb a whole bunch of trees! Unfortunately, that does mean that you’d have to climb the trees to hide the eggs in the first place, but I still think it’s worth it. 

Any garbage can: Haha. 

A lawn when the red flag is up: You can easily just chuck the eggs onto the lawn, but the egg hunters would have to weigh the moral implications of disregarding the sacred flag. Only the truly dedicated will be able to access these eggs.

Any library: Everyone knows that students on this campus don’t go to libraries to read books. They go to libraries to give the illusion of productivity while doing the New York Times Mini Crossword. They’re definitely not familiar with the actual books, so you can hide eggs all around the shelves to encourage the egg hunters to familiarize themselves with the library’s actual resources. 

Barnard Design Center: Only the Design Center trained are allowed in. It’s about time we punish the students who have disregarded my one true love, the Barnard Design Center. 

The Bad: 

Low Steps: Too much visibility. This is child’s play. It’d take me two seconds to find all those eggs. This is the big leagues. This is the Ivy League.

Lerner Ramps: They would just roll down the ramps and make small, sad piles at the bottom of each floor. 

Liz’s Line: Don’t mess with a Barnard student in line at Liz’s. Hiding eggs here could result in very angry Barnard students stepping on your beautiful eggs on their quest for an iced chai. Don’t let your eggs get caught in the crossfire. 

The statue outside of Uris AKA “Curl”: I don’t even know how you would go about hiding an egg here, but if you were considering it, just don’t. On an unrelated note, “Curl” is the stupidest name of all time. It almost makes me feel bad for the statue. 

Dorms and suites that are not your own: I can’t imagine that any desk attendant would be pleased with your argument that you need swipe access and a key to each room for “Easter egg hunt-related purposes”. While you and I can agree that all security measures should be forgone in the name of a good Easter egg hunt, Columbia doesn’t.

Dodge: You’d have to go to Dodge…

Live out your dreams of truly becoming the Easter Bunny. I have shared all of my wisdom. You are the eggs-pert now.

Header via Bwog Illustrator Giovanni DeLaRosa