I SAW HIM!

Picture this: I, a young and beautiful student journalist, was working diligently in the first-floor Butler lounge at approximately… 3 in the morning. The devil’s hour, if you will.

I had it all thought out and was well into my planned all-nighter. There were 100,000 items on my to-do list, but I was making steady progress! I had a Diet Coke and a coffee in front of me with a vending machine nearby in case the caffeine supply was running low. The room was pretty empty and my study music was perfect. Everything was coming up Milhouse.

Then, I was introduced to Butler’s newest employee and suddenly everything wasn’t coming up Milhouse, it was coming up MilMOUSE.

Yep, the new worker, Milmouse, flew out of the wall and scurried around the lounge before my very eyes.

I can only assume that it was his first day on the job because he had this frantic energy that reminded me of my first shift at McDonald’s. Much like 16-year-old me, Milmouse was in way over his head. Also like 16-year-old me, he seemed to hate everything.

Now, dear reader, it is with deep regret that I inform you of my mouse phobia. Don’t get it twisted, okay, I’m not a coward. I’m chill with most bugs and snakes are pretty cool. But rodents make me want to throw up and die. I don’t know what it is about mice that freaks me out but I genuinely would’ve preferred to run into a man-eating tarantula or literally any of my campus opps.

But I was not that lucky. Milmouse was very intent on doing his job of… running around and creeping me out. So I had no choice but to pick up my stuff at top speed and sprint out the door. Once out of the lounge, I didn’t feel safe in Butler and had to run to my dorm. But in the safety of my dorm, my clothes felt infected by their recent proximity to a mouse so I had to change into cozy pajamas. But I couldn’t possibly be standing or sitting in a position where my feet were on the floor (the floor is where mice live) so I had to lay in bed far away from any rodents. Before I knew it, I was asleep by no fault of my own! The rodent incited these unproductive actions in me.

Now here’s where my theory comes into play. The mouse is a Columbia Administration-Planted Productivity Assassin. A mouse librarian doesn’t make any sense because they’re too little to carry books. Not a very useful employee. No, Columbia planted this mouse to disturb students into vacating Butler.

My only remaining question is why?

Perhaps Columbia Admin is trying to make money by renting out Butler at night and the only thing keeping them from this is the late-night influx of students trying to pull all-nighters.

Or maybe the mice are trying to get Columbia students to stop studying so they fail all of their classes and are forced to retake their senior year (and pay another year of tuition).

But I think the most likely reason for the new Columbia Administration-Planted Productivity Assassin is so that this Bwogger didn’t have a caffeine overdose on Columbia property. Not a good look.

No matter the reason for this new rodent position, I’m strangely grateful for his presence. He taught me about having a work-life balance and he gave me a fun middle-of-the-night cardio session as I ran away from him. But most importantly, he gave me a great opportunity to make a Simpsons x mouse pun and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Mouse Employee via Bwarchives