8 Comments
He can’t escape quickly with that guise!
Two people turned from innocent studiers to victims of laptop theft between 2:00 and 2:30 this afternoon, warns Public Safety. The thief, using a pair of crutches, first struck the 4th floor of SIPA, and then Avery. A tipster informs us that the man was deliberately “acting all sick/about to faint and sat on the ground for a while. And was just creepy in general.”
This was the same man who stole a wallet from Kent a few weeks ago, but he wasn’t using crutches at the time. We see right through you and your slippery ways, thieving fiend. In the meantime, call Public Safety (212-854-5555) if you see the guy, and don’t trust fake-crippled men. He shouldn’t be too hard to catch if he wants to keep his most likely stolen props.
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8 Comments
@ugh *thieves guys come on
@SEAS Finance Quant This guy should start a hedge fund. Here’s how:
1) Investor/client ‘invests’ $100: $20 for makeup, $20 for clothes, $40 for used crutches, $20 to a barnard girl to sign him in.
2) Use advanced algorithms and Markov modeling to create a single score to figure out the probability of winning a successful steal using: Time of day, number of students in library, number of students more likely to be too busy to care about surroundings, is/is not midterm week, the likelihood of more expensive Mac laptops (this is done by a first-year analyst standing outside butler to watch how many hipsters go in), and market price of a typical mac laptop on ebay.
3) When conditions are met, move in for the trade.
4) He steals $1200 laptop.
5) Payoff: 80/20. Investor makes $240 revenue, with a $140 profit.
Crutch Capital Group. Now taking summer interns.
@Tipster He may be working with a femal accomplice who helps him get past security, just so you all know.
@speaking of frosci way back before i got into a relationship, i met this cute girl in frosci who asked me to tutor her in our other biology class
so i did…
thenn one night we got to evolutionary theory and i jokingly said “hey, want some hands on lab experience with breeding and evolving?” she said uh sure. i said “come back to my dorm tonight. i can show you what this chapter is talking about”
needless to say i never saw her again.
@Prof. Emlyn Hughes now THIS is how you teach FroSci!
@AGAIN and why arent you nutsacks using laptop theft locks?! i always lock my shit up to double chairs (when not many people are in the room to use the chairs) or a bar on the table before i step out to take a shit or kiss my girlfriend bringing me fucking cookies at 2am before retiring to her bed
@Anonymous that got oddly specific very fast…
@AGAIN I said it last time, I’ll say it again: Nobody ever said he WASN’T a student wearing a fake mustache!
Look out for the man in the picture under BOTH the assumptions that (1) he is not a student and is a creepy random NY’er who looks exactly like that and (2) he IS a student and is wearing a fake mustache and does NOT look like that (in this case, imagine someone you know who would look like that with a fake mustache)