Because Bwog holds a football when we watch the Super Bowl to feel like we’re there

Tonight, Bwog got strangely passionate about something we are usually passionate about in other ways.

Last night, we received an anonymous tip about the Columbia ski team announcing a cancelled trip because of a bus shortage. In the email, they said, “Clearly national priorities are out of whack when a group of brutish ruffians throwing around an oblong ball in rural New Jersey interferes with the proud traditions of Columbia’s greatest alpine athletes.” Look, we get it. We know sarcasm when it’s dripping in our inboxes. But this is the fucking Super Bowl. You are not too good for it.

It’s no secret that Bwog is not a fan of Columbia’s f***ball team. As one of Bwog’s professors noted, Columbia has never had 11 players that his Midwestern high school team from back in the day couldn’t have beaten on the field (probably also in a test of basic human decency). Professional football, on the other hand, is the shit.

It really says something about the Columbia community that we are defending an event that should damn well have the right to cause traffic. We understand that Columbia is butthurt not the biggest sports school, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to act like we’re better than watching men chase balls. Not only is the Super Bowl an entertainment powerhouse (last year’s was basically a sports sandwich with Beyoncé filling), but it’s a big deal for most of America, not to mention restaurants that sell wings. You are not too good for it.

Even if you don’t know a running back from a fullback from a buttcrack from a nutsack from a quarterback from a PANIC ATTACK, the Super Bowl transcends the game itself, which occupies only an hour of the entire weekend. The commercials are legendary, and it’s an excuse to put away a ridiculous amount of guacamole and beer.

Tonight’s half-time show is everyone’s favorite bush-baby-lookalike Bruno Mars, as well as the Red Hot Chili Peppers, because the NFL is trying to make the no-Beyonce-letdown as gentle as possible. Neither of them are Janet Jackson, but still, fingers crossed for a nip slip. Also, we’re excited to see if ScarJo will get her freak on with that soda stream commercial.

You don’t have to like the game itself; many don’t. However, Columbians’ typical attitude of shitting on sports indiscriminately is tiresome and juvenile. And un-American, you commy-filth. You’re just afraid of getting hurt because Columbia’s administration, student leaders, sports teams have let you down so many times, aren’t you? You don’t want to open up your heart and let America in. That’s no way to live. You are not too good for the Super Bowl.

This guy gets it via Shutterstock