You, basking in the light of Big Sean.

Just like your spirit, the weather too is drained. No worries though, because all that misery has to go somewhere, and this year, it’s the rain forecast on Bacchanal! Get hype!!!! Tats tells you how to dress well for the struggle.

Dear Tats,

It’s raining on Bacchanal! How can I look super cute while still maintaining my non-pneumatoid body?

Sincerely,

How Is It STILL Raining?

Dear How,

You tell me, man. These are dark times, dark days. I look out from my shafted Nussbaum room and can contemplate nothing but for the brute extent of misery that has followed me and ripped my soul asunder. Perhaps Camus was right that “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer,” but what for the interminable depths of… spring? What, then? We seem to have defeated the algorithm. Or has it defeated us?

To distract from the inevitable gloom of the human condition, consider not your soul, but your body. I speak, of course, about Bacchanal attire. At a staunch 50 degrees, the weather, like your complex, glittering personality (at least, according to Buzzfeed quizzes), defies definition and requires extensive meditation.

Like Buzzfeed, what role do I serve but a vessel for easier stomaching of your spirit? I suppose, whatwith the excess of intellect and introspection I possess, I might be able to recommend some excellent acceptable Bacchanal outfit choices.

1. Head to toe poncho, preferably in camo print. Better for lurking.

2. Never nude. Bonus points if you cry in the rain, shower scene style!

3. Become a human umbrella. Uncertain about execution, but just apply yourself better than you do to your classes and you should be just fine.

4. Make like a milliner and create your own hat. Felt, fur, khaki… the world is your oyster!!

5. A suit made entirely of your resumé. It’s never too late to land a summer internship. I hear Sean’s been looking…

Well, back to my tower. Now I’ve considered the most important issues of the day, I ought to get back to distracting myself with silly things like religious freedom and mafia worship. See you on the flip side.

JK nothing will ever make you feel this way again via Shutterstock