If this were an Overseen, it would look just like this

Ferris Booth is not usually a place of productivity. A crowded feeding trough for busy students, it becomes even more of a pressure-cooker area during midterms. Everyone’s in a rush to get into the pasta line, then everyone’s hurrying to grab the silverware before it runs out, and then comes the mad dash for a seat (or maybe even multiple seats if you happen to have a friend to eat and converse with). If, by some stroke of luck, you manage to snag a balcony seat during the weekend brunch rush, you should count yourself blessed. But if, once you’re out there, you happen to overhear the conversation below, you should count yourself…not as blessed.

Two young men sitting at a table on the balcony began their discourse by commenting on the mysterious ways of women—always a good place to start. “I just don’t understand what they mean,” one lamented. “Why can’t they just say what they want?” His friend nodded in commiseration. The conversation quickly took a turn as the first boy made a suggestion to his friend. “Dude, you should really be getting it on with married women. They’re so much more direct.” (*Note: Yes, he really did use the phrase, “getting it on.”)

Continuing his commentary on the allure of the already-espoused, the student explained, “Married women are so great because you get to experiment.” But his friend was confused: “You mean, like, sexually?” The first young man clarified. “No, bro, like… you get to test out lines. Just say the most fucked-up stuff, and see if it works on them.”

He then began to describe his history with the ladies (all of which was unsolicited information, of course). “In general I’ve always dated older women,” he said, “But before this year, they were at most three years older. Now that I’ve added married women to my scope, the whole scene’s opened up.” The two then delved into the details of their current love lives, which—for the reader’s sake—we will refrain from including here…save one highlight: “It’s like you’re not even feeling it at all, and you’re just going through the motions for her sake.” Even if we were to give the context of this line, rest assured: it would remain incoherent. Regardless, it was clear that they were a truly enlightened pair.

The titillating tales of these two lovely lads did bring to mind the story comedian Daniel Sloss likes to tell, of the time he slept with a married woman in Sweden. At any rate, Ferris will continue to be the place for socializing, stressing, and singing the praises of married women.

Just dudes bein’ dudes via Shutterstock