“I live in shame, a whore awash in sewage.” -Dante/Me, standing by as someone pees in the dishwasher.

Though we all encounter the 9 circles of hell when we read Dante’s Inferno, there is a more familiar wretched zone that Vergil doesn’t tell us about: EC. The journey from campus to EC on a Friday night can be as difficult as Dante’s descent into Lucifer’s lair, so staff writer Megan Wylie is here to serve as your personal guide to Columbia’s own underworld. 

First Circle (Limbo): The bridge from campus to EC

East Campus at the core of the eternal inferno

The first step into a night of sin. Slowly but surely, you cross that fateful bridge across Amsterdam and began the voyage into hell. Though you can still sense the remnants of your academic responsibilities, the smell of cheap vodka growing more and more compelling.

Second Circle (Lust): The Lobby

You’ve already taken the leap from the collegiate environment to the gates of residential hell, so there’s no stopping your further descent: your carnal desire for watery beer and regret has overcome you. The only thing left to accomplish is getting past the sign in desk. As you see the rest of the Columbia community tap in with ease, your Barnard status leads you to fawn over any EC resident and you will do anything it takes to make it to the elevator.

Third Circle (Gluttony): Shots

Like the overindulgent sinners found by Dante, you yourself have taken part in downing drink after drink. Here we see the encapsulation of a lack of restraint, as shown with your consistent dysfunction while throwing back shots of watered down Svedka chased with Barefoot Moscato.

Fourth Circle (Greed): International Students

Like the people stuck in molten gold, this circle reminds you of pure, unadulterated wealth. Surrounded by Canada Goose parkas scattered around the floor, you are confronted with international students dripping in Chanel jewels and hundred dollar bills lined with coke.

Fifth Circle (Wrath): Someone throwing up on your shoes

Stuck in the Barnumbia equivalent of the River Styx, you find yourself overcome with anger as the kid on his fourth losing round of pong vomits onto your new boots that, despite your better judgment, you wore.

Sixth Circle (Heresy): Unironically cheering for Columbia Athletics

This is where you come into the heretical group of those worshipping false idols–the football team. Yes, they had a good start this year, but does that deserve the fawning group of drunk freshman falling at their feet?

Seventh Circle (Violence): Drunken Tension

As you make your way through the three sections of the violent circle, you see an array of students who have partaken in displays of violence. There’s the athlete who started a fight in the Mel’s bathroom, someone who tripped purposefully so their crush would help them up and a philosophy major spilling a beer on a copy of the bible.

Eighth Circle (Fraud): Pretending to have a boyfriend back home

It’s not that you enjoy being a fraud per se, but surrounded by a kid massively exaggerating the influence of some article he wrote in his high school’s newspaper, you fall into a trap of corruption. Despite the alcohol wanting to unleash all your truths, when he asks “so, do you wanna get out of here?” you succumb and cut him off with a quick  “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.”

Ninth Circle (Treachery): The suite at 1 AM

Before the masses flee to 1020, the suite resembles the darkest point of hell. In this destitute ditch, the windows are steamed up, the music has shifted to bad throwbacks, kids are chasing the last remaining drops of vodka with minute maid, and it is near impossible to avoid your peers messily making out against a ‘Columbia’ flag.

Center of Hell: The Shaft

No explanation necessary but here’s one anyway.