What is this thing? Is it of this Earth?

If you’ve walked by Ivy League Stationers in the past month or so, you’ve probably noticed the giant printer-thing outside it. What is the thing? Where did it come from? Why is it there? Sports Editor Abby Rubel has some theories.

I first noticed the printer-thing outside Ivy League Stationers about a month ago. (Maybe more, maybe less. Keeping track of time is difficult during midterms.) At first, I assumed that Ivy League Stationers once used it to print giant banners, that it had broken, and would be picked up by a designated service. But then I noticed it again. And I kept noticing it.

There is no reasonable explanation for this phenomenon. Why has no professional printer-thing-remover come and removed it yet? Obviously, because one has not been employed to do so. But Ivy League Stationers couldn’t possibly assume that a random passer-by would just take it, because it’s so freaking enormous. And it’s too far away from the curb to be eligible for trash pickup. So, if there’s no reasonable way the store could expect the printer-thing to be removed from outside the store, they must not want it to be removed, which means it’s probably not broken. Are they planning to use it outside? I haven’t observed anyone doing that, and the printer-thing doesn’t look usable anyway. Clearly the realm of the reasonable does not contain the answers to the printer-thing question.

1. The printer-thing is actually not a printer at all, but rather the human stretcher/flattener Willy Wonka put Violet Beauregarde into. Ivy League Stationers bought it from Willy Wonka when his chocolate factory closed, and has been using it to iron employees’ shirts.
2. Ivy League Stationers is a front for aliens. The aliens made the printer-thing from their spare UFO parts, hoping that it would function as an actual printer. When it didn’t, they had no idea how normal humans dispose of their large, garbage appliances, so they stuck it outside in the hopes that someone else would take care of it.
3. Columbia activists preemptively bribed Ivy League Stationers into leaving their printer outside so that protesters could take advantage of it without having to tell anyone what they’re actually printing. That way, the Big Brother state that is the Columbia administration can’t bribe Ivy League Stationers to tell them what the activists are up to. It only looks broken to fool PrezBo.

Do you actually know what’s going on with the printer-thing? Tell us at tips@bwog.com!