Our most beloved, most wretched god.

Here it is. We’ve saved the most basic for last. Bwog worked behind the scenes for months tinkering with these formulas and we can finally present you with the final work in this series (probably). CC students are the largest part of Columbia’s largest undergraduate population, and as such, make for the best sample size for determining what really makes a student a CC student. Share your results in the comments, and let us know which school gave you the highest score!

You know the drill. If you suspect yourself or someone you love of having BCE (Big CC Energy) start with a base of 10 points and proceed accordingly.

  • Also doesn’t know who Hegel is but at this point is really too afraid to ask (+2)
  • Has an opinion on Deantini (+3)
    • Is friends with Deantini on Facebook (+5)
    • Connected with Deantini on LinkedIn (+7)
    • Calls him “Dean James Valentini” (-3)
  • Doesn’t tip (+3)
  • Complains about Butler while simultaneously studying in Butler (+1)
  • Has a preferred Butler study space (+2)
  • Actually enjoyed FroSci (-20)
  • Googled “What is Barnard College” during NSOP (+10)
    • Came to Barnard for the first time ever because of Milstein (+4)
    • Thinks people go to Barnard because they can’t get into CC (+8)
  • Is too scared to go to the dining hall in Diana because they don’t know how much food to take (+5)
    • Found out there was a dining hall in Diana from this post (+10)
  • Knows where CG is (-5)
    • Found out CG exists from this post (+5)
  • Lives, has lived, or wished they lived in Carman (+1)
    • Has pulled the fire alarm in Carman (-5)
    • Hosted a Carman party that got busted by their RA (+4)
  • Is looking for CC study guides (+2)
    • Created a CC study guide (+7)
    • Borrowed a CC study guide from an older friend and didn’t share it (-5)
  • Gets a little thrill of superiority when people ask them for sign-ins as they’re swiping into EC (+4)
  • Is an Econ or CS major (+1)
    • Has debated switching to Econ or CS so they can get that sweet Goldman/Google internship (+3)
    • Got a Goldman/Google/prestigious internship because of Daddy’s connections (+10)
    • “I just really love finance/computers” (+7)
    • Openly admit they’re selling out (-5)

  • Classics major (+1)
    • Read all the works in the original Greek or Latin before coming (+5)
    • Took Lit Hum and wanted to be a Classics major for exactly one week because they were really into one of the texts (+3)
  • Has written a Spec op-ed at some point (+3)
  • Juuls (+5)
    • Owns more than 2 flavors of Juul pod (+5 for each additional flavor)
  • Brags about going to St. A’s (+8)
  • First question to their advisor: “What science classes don’t have math in them?” (+4)
    • Is tired of everyone thinking CC students can’t do math (+6)
  • Owns a Beach House tee (+1)
  • Owns a Canada Goose (+1)
  • Says “the College” (+3)
  • Talks about philosophy/The Core while drunk (+2)
    • Talks up the Core in small talk with non-Columbia people but whines about it every chance they get with Columbia people (+3)
    • Complains about the Core despite having applied to Columbia specifically because of it (+13)
  • Had to sell concert tickets on their class Facebook page because they have a midterm (+2)
  • “What’s up, bro?” to an acquaintance (+2)
  • Takes Principles of Econ with someone other than Gulati (-5)
  • Made a buy sell post that got more than 200 likes (+2)
  • Knows exactly who they would put on their own, more diverse Lit Hum syllabus (+6)
    • Argues that Core classes should be exactly the same as they were 80 years ago (-7)
  • Only goes to frats during Baccahanal (-3)
  • Think they’re woke because they go to the “most diverse Ivy League school” (+3)
  • Has at least one Columbia grad in their family (+4)
  • Is an athlete (+2)
  • Interrupts or restates something someone already said in their discussion section (+2)
    • Does this while in a Barnard class (+4)
  • Partying in Midtown is the only time they get out of the MoHi bubble (+2)
  • Loves NYC™ (+1)
  • Got rid of all clothing that has color for the *aesthetic* (+3)
  • “Beginners’ Mind” (+3)

Results

0-15 points: Butler? They don’t know her. They’re pretty sure Lit Hum in a gen-ed class, but it might also be an element on the periodic table. All they know is that they want to stay as far away from the Core Curriculum as humanly possible.

16-35 points: Given that there are so many of them, the habits of CC students tend to rub off on everyone else around them, inflating their egos to dangerous levels. This person is most likely the victim of the “energy by osmosis” phenomenon but that’s fine. They’re still their own person, albeit with an unhealthy obsession with Deantini.

36-60 points: Love it or hate it, they’re Columbia College through and through. Though occasionally they have their distance or disagreement with how things are done, this school is there’s and they want you to know as such. Plus, The Iliad wasn’t actually that bad, you know?

61+ points: As far as they’re concerned, Columbia’s only undergraduate school is “the College” and it’s better that way. They worship the hallowed halls of Butler library, the columned wonder that can do no wrong. If you cut them, they bleed Pantone 292, which is honestly quite concerning. You should probably call a hospital.

the transcendental signifier via Bwog Archives