Not all of these methods have been tested… attempt at your own risk.

Finals are coming up. This means all of the stress you’ve felt this semester up until now is just going to be that much worse. The only upside to being at home this semester means not having to scramble to find a seat in a library because your library is home and you’re all too familiar with every square inch of your house. Most of my classes have TA’s grading final papers and exams so having a TA that hates you is incredibly detrimental to trying to get a passing grade. But I think I’ve got some tips and tricks up my sleeve. I managed to go from my TA telling me during the discussion section “no, that’s wrong can someone else please answer” to a pretty decent grade on my midterm paper. True story, still scarred. I won’t reveal which of these tips I’ve actually deployed and which ones I still have just in case.

The first thing absolutely anyone and everyone needs to do is to go to your TA’s office hours at least once in the semester. Right around now would be great actually. So that they think you’re getting an early start to studying for their class (because you just love it so much!). Or, ask really basic questions that show how desperate you are and make them feel so bad for you that when you get 80% of the questions right on the midterm, your TA feels obligated to bump you a bit because you clearly studied so hard. I don’t want to expose myself or anything but I had a paper due with a 1500 word minimum that I submitted with a ripe 1283 words. Got an A. I fluffed some margins and made the spacing 2.1 and got away with having absolutely nothing to say for my essay. All because my TA felt so bad for me for not understanding the most basic parts of the lecture.

Another tip I’d recommend is accidentally on purpose running into your TA in Morningside and just knowing their snack/ beverage of choice. My TA, for example, loves diet coke. He drinks at minimum 2 a discussion section. I know have emergency diet coke on me at all times to offer him in case I ever run into him. The discussion section is as much about getting to know more about the material your class covers as it is about getting to know your TA so you can become the ultimate teacher’s pet (TA pet?). I’ve spent that precious hour really knowing just how to please the TA. If accidentally on purpose stalking your TA isn’t an option, then I’d recommend during their office hours to be drinking their same beverage. Then you can bond over just how tasty said beverage is. Even if it’s just water, make insightful remarks about how the exact brand of water they’re drinking isn’t merely any plain old H2O, but the bottling technique is a technique above the rest.

Now that you know the TA pretty well, know their favorite drink, have established that you love their office hours, and rely upon their office hours for your success in the class, it’s time to give back. Tis the season to be thankful and giving. Put on a show. Over Zoom. Yes, you heard me. A show. Think of this as OnlyFans except for the payment they’re making is in the form of grade inflation and extra points. Before, you were just getting them to like you. Maybe they bumped you half a grade for the beverage trick. But now… this is how you repay them. Or pay it up in advance. Whichever way you want to think of it. Get those strip LED lights in party mode and flash ~the goods~. Although please only do this if you’re 18 and older. But, if you’re 17 and in college, that means you skipped a grade so you’re smart so you don’t need to do any of this to get a good grade. 

one star pupil via Pixabay