Wake up, sheeple! It’s time to open yourself up to the truth.

Listen to me very carefully. I think they’ve tapped into my computer, but my story absolutely must get out.

Last week I woke up in my luxurious Hewitt single dorm (everyone stuck with a roommate is very jealous of me right now) to use the bathroom across the hall. Blurry-eyed, I stumbled through my room ready for the familiar light of the bathroom to greet me. But there would be no familiarity. In fact, I would face the most sinister sight I have ever had the misfortune to encounter.

You see, dear reader, the entire floor of the bathroom was covered in a thick layer of water. Water was everywhere! My slippers were made victims that night! Astonished and disgusted, I made my way to another bathroom on my floor and then I went back to bed. Barnard’s Residential Life and Housing later emailed Hewitt residents to claim that the incident was caused by some unknown leak. Naturally, I didn’t buy this excuse for a second.

What caused me to doubt this “plausible” explanation? The answer is simple; it’s just not true. I know, in my heart, that the bathroom water explosion was the result of the nefarious Hewitt toilet monster, Hewshit, for short. Hewshit and I have grown well acquainted throughout the school year. He has caused frequent leaks on my floor because he has grown distraught by the sheer number of grown adults who refuse to flush the toilet. I believe that Hewshit has reached his breaking point. This disaster is only the first incident in what is bound to be a long series of bathroom nightmares. If you thought that this was bad, just think what Hewshit could do to our showers! I can’t bear to think of this any longer!

Perhaps Hewshit is just trying to teach us all a lesson. I don’t truly believe that all toilet monsters are destined for evil. Hewshit is just giving us the same poor treatment that we have given to his home. Maybe if we all band together, clean up after ourselves, and successfully flush the toilet after every use, we can prove to Hewshit that we love him. Hewshit, please understand that we are ready to make a change. We are starting with the man in the mirror.

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)

Hewshit image via Bwog illustrator