Whether affected by seasonal allergies, or sick of hearing people complain about their seasonal allergies, Sports Editor Maxwell Lurken-Tvrdik and Senior Staff Writer Ben Parkhurst have you covered.

Allergy Hater: Ben

Imagine that. Imagine a little bit of pollen going into your nose and screwing up your life for a month. Imagine not being able to sleep, not being able to frolic in the sunlight, not being able to breathe, all because of the circle of life. It’s literally just tree cum. You must really hate the planet, don’t you? And no, don’t give me any of that “seasonal allergies are human’s fault” or “we’re deliberately decreasing biodiversity” or “urban city planning has created severe medical issues all in the name of pleasing our aesthetic desires to have low-maintenance, pretty trees”—to that, I say, cope.

What should we then do? We’re sure as hell not removing the trees, you sick, planet-killing saphead. Just because you can’t breathe doesn’t mean you have to try and ruin it for the rest of us. Grow up, get a better pair of lungs, and stop trying to ruin spring.

Allergy Empathizer: Maxwell

When is the last time you have had to push on your eye sockets to release fluid from your lacrimal ducts into the back of your throat? In the past four weeks, through two sinus infections, I have done so at least 17 times a day, giving myself sudden, yet brief, release from my mucusey hell. You should only pray that you do not have to experience such pain and frustration. I sleep, frolic in the sunlight, and do whatever I damn well please in spite of my allergies, hindered, but not halted by them! It seems as though what you call “just tree cum” is far more powerful than you give it credit, causing migraines for 34% of seasonal allergy-havers. One day, I hope you find yourself caught in a storm of sneezing, only to realize you feel pressure behind your eyes and a headache forming. Who will you complain to then?

You laugh at my misfortune, but I rally behind it. Good on the earth for taking a stand against its geological agents of misfortune. Us allergy-havers all cope out of necessity, many through complaining, and to them I say, keep up the good work! The planet has chosen us to be reminders of our species’ ill will. We must go forth as prophets of the earth’s imminent warning. There can be no silence!

Riverside Park allergy creator via Author