A horsefly entered my room. I decided to interview him for the student news publication I write for. Here’s what happened.

Woah, who are you? This suite is occupied.

Buzz

Are you sure? There’s only two bedrooms and we’re already living here.

Buzz buzz

Okay, well, Columbia Housing isn’t the most organized. I guess there’s space since you’re a tiny little guy.

Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to emasculate you. I’m sure you can squat that much, and you’re a big strong fellow!

Buzz

Glad we worked that out. What’s your name by the way?

Buzz

Nice to meet you, Buzz. What’s your major?

Buzz. Buzz buzz buzz

Financial Econ. Interesting. And by the way, calling it “the College” is a little weird.

Buzz

Do you want something to eat? There’s some ground beef in the fridge that’s a couple days old….you’re welcome to it.

Buzz. 

Buzz lands on the spoiled beef, rubbing his little tiny hands together like a creep.

So….. uh….. What do you do for fun?

Buzz, buzz buzz buzz, buzz buzz.

Oh you run an underground film series—that sounds super cool! I’ve also never met a DJ before.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh, you’re not just an artist, you’re super into philosophy, too. Wow.

Buzzzzzzzzz

Beyond Good and Evil…. I’m pretty sure I read that once.

Buzz buzz buzz

Are you seeing anyone?

Buzz buzz buzz

Oh nice. I guess I can be out of the room at that time, but I really need to study, so I would appreciate it if you could keep it short.

Buzz buzz buzz buzz.

I didn’t ask how big it was?

Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz

I’m sorry, you’re right, that’s huge! Happy for you!

I begin to regret not purchasing the fly swatter I saw at University Hardware. A window stands, slightly open.

Hey, Buzz, aren’t you a little hot? Doesn’t that wide open window look so…. Delicious?

Buzz buzz buzz

No, no, no, don’t take it the wrong way! I’m not trying to get rid of you!

Buzz buzz buzz

I’m sorry you feel that way.

Buzz buzz buzz

There’s no reason to get that upset, Buzz.

O that this too too solid flesh would melt,

Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!

Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d

His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter! O God! O God!

How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable

Seem to me all the uses of this world!

Fie on’t! O fie! ’tis an unweeded garden,

That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature

Possess it merely. That it should come to this!

But two months dead! Nay, not so much, not two:

So excellent a king; that was, to this,

Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother,

That he might not beteem the winds of heaven

Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth!

Must I remember? Why, she would hang on him

As if increase of appetite had grown

By what it fed on: and yet, within a month,

Let me not think on’t, Frailty, thy name is woman! 

A little month; or ere those shoes were old

With which she followed my poor father’s body

Like Niobe, all tears; why she, even she,

O God! a beast that wants discourse of reason,

Would have mourn’d longer, married with mine uncle,

My father’s brother; but no more like my father

Than I to Hercules: within a month;

Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears

Had left the flushing in her galled eyes,

She married: O, most wicked speed, to post

With such dexterity to incestuous sheets!

It is not, nor it cannot come to good;

But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue!

Girl, we’ve all read Hamlet; it’s not that serious.

Buzz

Stop landing on me!

Buzz buzz buzz

Please just leave now… this has gotten weird.

Buzz buzz buzz

At this point, Buzz locks himself in the bathroom. Sounds of a violent episode of diarrhea reverberate throughout the room. I knock on the door.

Buzz, are you okay in there? I’m sorry about what I said. I’m glad you’re living here! We’re going to become great friends.

No answer.

Buzz?

Still no response. I open the door. There lies Buzz, swimming in his own poo. Disturbed, I leave him to it.

The Little Guy via Wikimedia Commons