Staff Writers Erika Avallone and Avery Baumel embark on a harrowing taste test. We have many regrets.

Once upon a time, on a beautiful, sunny Friday afternoon, we trekked to the Pulitzer Hall Joe’s Coffee with the bold mission of trying their seasonal fig balsamic latte. Given that we could not even begin to imagine what it would taste like, we had no expectations whatsoever. It should be noted here that Erika only drinks black coffee and had previously never been to Joe’s. Avery is a latte FAN but doesn’t love Joe’s generally. So, we both entered with a healthy dose of skepticism.

First of all, we would just like to ask Joe, wherever he is, why there is a case of milk cartons (FULL GALLONS) inside this coffee shop. Not one person has EVER been seen buying milk from Joe’s. Why do they have fat-free, skim, AND whole? Who is buying these? If this is you PLEASE email tips@bwog.com. We just want to talk. 

SECOND OF ALL, WE PAID EIGHT DOLLARS FOR A COFFEE THAT SOUNDED LIKE A SALAD DRESSING. As a chaser-slash-redemption drink, we also bought the other seasonal drink, an apple cider, which was another six dollars. Another note of interest: What season is this?? Are figs a particularly fall flavor?? Is balsamic (whatever that means)?? All we know is that we miss the lavender earl gray latte that Joe’s had at the beginning of the semester. It was still eight dollars, but at least it was delicious. 

We found a nice two-person table with a lovely view of that one really pretty tree next to Lerner. From there, everything went downhill. Appearances alone were a little terrifying: the apple cider was unnecessarily foamy, even when we tried to poke through the bubbles. But it smelled good, so that was nice. The fig balsamic latte smelled off, and looked off, with a congealed layer at the bottom that was… fig???? Balsamic????  We had no idea and we weren’t really sure we wanted to find out. We tried to stir it, and it released very tiny black bits, which floated through the latte part of the drink. No drink should be grainy and an innocent person should not have fig particles stuck in their teeth after enjoying a beverage! In short, it looked poisonous.

We worked up the courage to try this drink, and, well. It is the worst thing Erika has ever tasted in her life, like, EVER. She visibly gagged after trying this drink and would sue Joe’s on the basis that the drink’s name is misleading of the fall essence. Avery wouldn’t quite go that far but agrees it was pretty awful. Milky, burnt, and grainy, this beverage was a borderline punishment. It was indescribably bad (and believe us, we tried). It was milk-flavored and then had a strange flavor that was not like fig or balsamic, but instead SPICY in some way?? We couldn’t tell you. It was awful. Who even proposed this drink? Who woke up and thought to themselves, what would fig and balsamic be like together? How does this represent the golden season of fall? WHO MADE THIS DRINK, TASTED IT, AND THEN THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD MENU OPTION???

The apple cider was fine, we guess, maybe. It was, at least, better than the fig balsamic latte. However, it was vaguely the texture of caramel, with foam on top, and SO syrupy sweet. It tasted like expired cough medicine, oddly thick and nauseatingly sweet. We don’t have much to note about this cider, which says a lot! Cider from any farmer’s market is infinitely better.

In conclusion, we give the fig balsamic latte a 3/10 for taste and a 6/10 for creativity, and the apple cider gets a 4/10 for both categories. Please, please, please get literally anything else. EVEN A MILK JUG.