Hope you passed the room checks!

Last week, I was forced to participate in Barnard’s semesterly Health and Safety (room) Checks. As I allegedly engaged in the usual fervor of allegedly hiding prohibited items in my room, I looked back at Barnard’s Prohibited Items List and was quite surprised by the things Barnard had deemed bannable. With that in mind, I will now review some of these items based on how much I agree with their prohibition.

First, we have our “I Get It” items. This covers hazardous and combustible chemicals and weapons, including swords, knives, and guns. Like, okay, I can get behind not being chemically poisoned, not letting the dorms go up in flames, and not having the threat of weapons around. But I do have one question: why are “knives” and “knives not used for cutting” both on the list? This seems highly ominous. What is the use of these knives if not for cutting? Whittling? Settling roommate disagreements, perhaps? Protecting yourself from your knife-not-used-for-cutting wielding roommate? I suppose we may never know, as they are banned.

Next, we have “Okay…And?” items. Here, I am putting things that almost everyone uses. First, any wall adhesives other than blue painter’s tape. Um, hello? I have actually never witnessed someone use blue painter’s tape to hang something on the wall. It has no stick and definitely cannot handle hanging the pictures and posters necessary to cultivate that classic gaudy dorm decor look. Chunks of paint ripped off the wall? Be damned. I need my aesthetic. In addition, extension cords. This school is way too expensive not to run up the electric bill as much as possible. Also, if Barnard literally gives us two outlets per room, what are we supposed to do?  

Finally, we have our “You Must Be Joking” items. These are things that I was shocked and personally offended by. This includes lava lamps, water beds, and fog machines. I’m sorry, is there no joy at this school? Where is the whimsy and merriment? If I want to watch orbs of goo travel up and down a vibrantly colored lamp, that’s my prerogative. Same with a water bed. I have only ever wanted to settle down on a jiggly bed after a long day of studying. This is just another reminder that it will never be my reality. It hurts more now that I am an adult. And fog machines? Barnard is acting like it has never heard of Halloween. How can anyone get into the spirit without a chemical cloak of fog winding its way down the hall? Would I ever think to want any of these in my dorm? Absolutely not, but I would like the option.

Naked Room via Barnard College