Is it wrong to wish my English professors would teach ’til death do us part?

I am taking multiple humanities classes with amazing professors who are on the verge of retirement. These world experts have absolutely-positively made my college experience. One of them even taught my mom’s college friend like a hundred years ago.

I can’t bear the thought of their retirement. When the time comes, who’s gonna teach my kid, damnit?! Some fresh-faced grad student who only knows the words “alterity,” “august,” and “problematic???” Some pimple-faced professor who thinks “blog posts,” “think-pair-share,” and discussion prompts their two-year-old wrote will enrich our learning experience? 

Unacceptable! No older professor would ever stand for such heinosity. Get these new age hokey-dokes with their gimmicky flibbertigibbets out of my face! 

For god’s sakes, give me a lecture! Make me tear through a new book every week!

And please, real English profs administer no more than one (1) really unclear exam they don’t care about and maybe even forget to grade. Speaking of grades, I’m sick of this “A for doing the work” business. Professors should nitpick every word of a paper. They should assign two long papers and trust that our writing will suck if we don’t do the readings.

It’s also very important for professors to master the art of politely telling students to shut up if they bloviate forever. Better yet, some wizened professors (A.K.A absolute bawses) don’t call on us at all! Not to mention, great older profs know to never, ever assign a group writing assignment. I should be able to end the semester without knowing the name of a single other person in my class if I don’t want to.

In all seriousness, I mean no offense to the noobs of academia. For the most part, I’ve had great experiences with professors of all ages. But there’s no substitute for 30+ years of experience. No matter how many memes they try to slip into their PowerPoints, in my opinion, a green professor will never compare to venerable academic veterans whose halos of white hair set the halls—and our hearts—aglow. 

This is why Barnumbia should abolish retirement and force professors to teach from onboarding to their deathbeds. It’s not ethical, but I’m ok with that. Thank you.

Image via Wannapik