Bwog Staffer Nathan Yuan laments over Columbia’s frequent false alarms.

Ah, Columbia, the esteemed institution where the administrative overreach clamping down on free expression is rivaled only by our hypersensitive fire alarms. It’s only at Columbia where students are being conditioned to wake up at ungodly hours for what is increasingly becoming a game of “Is It a Fire or Just Another False Alarm?” Spoiler alert: it’s always the latter.

This Tuesday, I was under the covers, comfortably watching TLC’s My 600-lb Life at 1 am, when my Hulu-induced hypnosis was shattered with the shrill BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEP of a whiny fire alarm. But even hearing those sounds, I was in no rush. I first sauntered over to my closet to grab my coat, then grabbed a matching pair of fuzzy socks, and finally changed from my flip-flops into my sneakers. You know why I wasn’t freaking out? Because the fire alarm had gone off twice already that same week, and there wasn’t a real fire either time.

These fire alarms would be a cute little quirk of campus life if it weren’t happening with the frequency of a freshman using “juxtaposition” unironically during LitHum discussions. In the past week alone, the fire alarms have gone off three times in my dorm. Since the year started? Five. At this rate, the alarms are happening more often than I do my assigned readings (Do NOT send this article to my LitHum instructor).

And therein lies the problem. Not even mentioning the wasted fire department resources and time, I already have friends who are opting instead to stay inside their dorms when fire alarms sound. And to be honest, I don’t blame them! I mean, who wants to get out of bed and stand outside in the middle of the night freezing your butt off until you can’t feel your toes for 20 minutes, just for the fire department to arrive and tell everyone there isn’t actually a fire. When your choices are “freeze half to death in your pajamas for no reason” and “stay in bed and take your chances,” well, let’s just say that our survival instincts are evolving in questionable ways.

False alarms beget indifference. It’s literally a real-life rendition of the Boy Who Cried Wolf, except this time, it’s a faulty alarm system gaslighting an entire student body and students are the sheep that get burned alive in a fiery blaze. So fix your fire alarms, Columbia. The school I transferred from didn’t have these issues.

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