Senior Wisdom: Lala W.

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This is the ninth installment in our Senior Wisdom series…bringing you all the awesome ’07ers you should’ve met by now. 

iiClaims to fame:

I yelled “CUNT” loudly and repeatedly to an audience of several hundred people on multiple occasions when I was in the Vagina Monologues freshman year (although I still wonder about the possibility of actually reclaiming that – or any – word). I threw my heart and extracurricular soul into SEEJ before I became a bit disenchanted. (The people are amazing and they do incredible work but – call me a Machiavel if you wish – all the consensus-building wasn’t really my thing.) I’ve done the Orchesis ads since sophomore year (forgive the varying degrees of aesthetic appeal) and did the Barnard Senior Fund ads this year (forgive the surplus of girly pink polka dots). I will continue to serve on the Barnard SRI Committee as an alumna and actually make it do something valuable (I hope). I was on stage at the Apollo Theater during a CUE pre-orientation field trip, only to be defeated by a 10-year-old break dancer whose moves were, admittedly, more impressive than my overly enthusiastic gyrations and offbeat pelvic thrusts.

Preferred swim test stroke?

I go to Barnard where we denounce the artificial boundaries of separate types of strokes as a social construct and, furthermore, regard the imposition of a swim requirement as unnecessarily denuding, upholding the objectification of women while perpetuating the patriarchal system/western canon. Anyway, we expect that our men will find a way to carry us across the water with their hunky, tan, rippling-with-muscles bodies. Then feed us grapes.

What are three things you learned at Columbia?

1. They all lie. It does too matter what you major in. And grades can matter, too.

2. Students here are often characterized by absurdly high numbers of hours spent in Butler, either because they are succumbing to the Ivy/NY pressure to take more credits than everyone else or because it’s the closest thing to community this campus has (besides the uber-democracy of Low Steps in the springtime).

3. The need to balance faith in chance/autonomy; there is no center/objective truth; the value of people who are actually listening; always ask for extra lime; NY is unparalleled but the west coast is home; sleeping is overrated; the joys of occasionally/frequently being a pretentious asshole; and (token cheesy moment) true friends are, under no circumstances, to be taken for granted.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less.

I’ve an astonishing gift for creating, compounding, and reintroducing awkwardness. Having provided such invaluable entertainment to friends and/or strangers and/or incredulous 1020 patrons, I proceed to feel no awkwardness whatsoever.

What was your favorite controversy in your time at Columbia?

The legacy of my first-year floormate, the esteemed sex columnist Miriam Datskovsky.

Which professor do you think would be the best kisser?

Paul Scolieri. Michael Taussig. Sunil Gulati.

What percentage of seniors do you think are virgins?

After the debauchery and recklessly deluding influence of imminent nostalgia during senior week? Whatever it was before, minus a few.

Would you rather permanently give up oral sex or cheese?

Oral sex. As long as I can still have camembert, smoked gouda, and penetration (not simultaneously, you goofs), I will manage.

Days on campus memory?

Never did it. Imagine one for me.


Not taking various classes (e.g. Bollinger, Carnes, Foner, Marten). Taking psychology for my science requirement. Not discovering the leafy charm of Riverside Park sooner. Not using the librarians more because they are actually really useful for researching certain papers. Not taking more advantage of free admission to MoMA. Not being nicer. Not being meaner. Not adequately learning brevity. Not actually accomplishing more/lapsing into solipsism when answering questionnaires because I’m about to be skewered by skeptical Bwog readers starting… now.

If you’re burning for more class of 2007 profiles, check it: Frances Howorth, Josh Bolotsky, Jenni Oki, Seth Flaxman, Maria Baibakova, Karen Fu (scroll), David Chait (scroll), Dan Okin, Anthony Walker, Nick Klagge, Claire Lackner, Paul Sonne, Karina Garcia, and Sakib Khan. 

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  1. Penetration  

    I'd skewer you!

  2. Riverside Park!  

    I love riverside so much.

    That was a lot of fun to read, but thanks to you I'm going to fail my Chinese final in an hour and a half. Thanks a lot! God, you think people could be more considerate

  3. Huair Fuxizhe  

    Why, I have a Chinese final in an hour and a half too! Go read the 328 comments in the other thread and we can fail together!

  4. yay!

    I love Lala! She's the best

  5. fuck  

    butler's fire alarm just went off. damn it. fuck. shit. damn.

  6. more amusing  

    than the rest of them. by far.

  7. enough!  


  8. i like lala  

    and thumbs up for lydia, too.

  9. aaarg  


  10. awesome  

    Lydia rocks hardcore.. you tell that douche!

  11. i agree  

    with lydia. word to your mother.

  12. Uh oh  

    I think someone wishes they could disable all comments right about now! So much for free (and ignorant) speech in journalism.

  13. annoyed  

    yeah, I hate the way we waste our time making brilliant comments on bwog that no one appreciates.

  14. I'd totally  

    woo Lala.

  15. this  

    this was entertaining. I like this girl!

  16. yay lala  

    this one was my favorite ever. great swim test answer.

  17. yayg  

    this one was great!! yay lala!

  18. ahhh  

    Lala hooked up with my crush freshman year... But that's okay, she's still great.

  19. booooo

    i'm sad bwog deleted the comments that said bbbboooorrrrriiiiinnnngggggg because this girl really is boring. and apparently she's a skank (see above). nice!

    • CML  

      There is nothing to say but that, in addition to being deprived from Lala, who is awesome, you are an idiot.

    • oh god!  

      oh god! oh god, it's a girl who hooked up with a guy! SKANK ALERT! hide your virginities!

      people like you are the reason women still go to court to throw rapists in jail and get "you were askin' for it" thrown at them. how ignorant and prudish do you have to be?

  20. hey

    this is the only barnard girl i've liked. have there been more barnard girls than cc? I think maybe. this was the only good/interesting one though. she had a sense of humor at least. more like her.

  21. this  

    is by far the best senior wisdom so far.


    Dear Lala,
    Our love knows no bounds: not even Lake City Way NE.

    Your secret admirer

  23. Credit Monger  

    Who is taking the most credits?

  24. ...

    too long winded, like most columbia students.

  25. Jane

    Taussig? Well played Lala. You are fantastic.

  26. i  

    Lala is fabulous, great swim test response that perfectly encapsulates the barnard identity crisis, and taussig has no teeth and is INSANE but i'll let that slide..

  27. rawr!

    you go to barnard, don't you?

  28. Lalalalalalala  


  29. Haterz in Col. Coll.  

    need to stop talking about the alleged stupidity of GS and Barnard students. Your TAs might be reading this as they grade your finals.

  30. lalalove  

    lala is everyting that is good about this school.

  31. WOOT  

    LaLa rocks my world

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