Just as important as ascertaining the best water fountains is deciding where to go a few hours later. What kind of bathroom experience do you want to have today: isolated? artistic? mysterious? terrifying? To solve this mystery, our very own brave Bwog Bathroom Inspectors ventured from the bowels of Schermerhorn to the highest heights of Butler in search for the best place to poop. Here to help with all your toilette-related needs is our guide to some of Columbia’s most stand-out WCs. 

Most Poop-Friendly: Dodge, 7th floor

For the ultimate luxury in privacy, head to Dodge 7 to get the most secluded, angst-free pooping experience possible. This little treasure boasts locks on both the bathroom door and the individual stall, making for double layers of protection. Poop with the stall door open to feel like a badass.

Most Artistically Expressive: Pupin, 5th floor

The vaguely Southwestern/Native American flare in wall decorations brings a spark of whimsy to the otherwise cold laboratories of Pupin. Mirror selfies are much more artistic when there’s an abstract sculpture above your head. You can also look at images of chiefs slaying bears above your head if you’re in the farthest stall!

Best Bathroom To Hold A Meeting In: Schermerhorn, 3rd floor

Just your average bathroom—with conference room attached. Couldn’t get space for your group in Lerner? Fear not, the slightly worn couch and weird butterfly chair of the basement bathroom can accommodate any gathering!

Best Place To Up Your Nip Slip Tally: Dodge Locker Room

The garishly blue corridors of this sauna have borne witness to some of the most awkward towel slips ever. If you’ve ever had the desire to run into someone you vaguely know (but not that well) naked, your first stop should be here.

Most Opinionated: Dodge, 4th floor

This bathroom wants you to know that it’s DIFFERENT! It doesn’t play by the boring ol’ rules like using the letter “r”, and does quirky yet cute things to show its inner feelings to the world. One thing you can count on is that the people who frequent this bathroom are cool, because they spend their time creating elephant graffiti.

Best Bathroom That Doesn’t Actually Exist: Schermerhorn Extension

Much like the unicorn in its illusory nature, the myth of the Schermerhorn Extension bathrooms has defeated many frantic students with seconds to spare before their seminar. Returning students report rumors of hours of dizzy circling, despairing of ever reaching relief before finding themselves somewhere in Manhattanville.

Best Bathroom In Which To Live Self-Sufficiently: Butler, 9th floor

If washing your hands is something you also want to do in private, Butler 9 is the place for you. Here, all activities remotely associated with pooping can be accomplished without prying eyes. If you don’t wash your hands, no one has to know.