The Dawn of a Hilarious New Semester

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Your professor is going to be as intense as this organ when all its stops are pulled out

Your professor is going to be as intense as this organ when all its stops are pulled out

Hopefully you’ve figured out by now that today is the first day of spring semester classes. Your professors almost certainly will have noticed, and they are going to be pulling out all the stops to try to entice you to stay in/drop their class. They’ll be dusting off their absurd anecdotes, fun facts and bad sex jokes and Bwog wants to hear it.

Please send your professor’s most bizarre, hilarious and cringe-worthy opening remarks to or leave them in the comments.

Crazy pipe organ via Wikimedia Commons

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  1. Anonymous  

    Lesbo Presbo: "Do I want your action? Affirmative. Now do me with a strap-on"

  2. anonymous  

    Gary Okihiro, History of Racializations in the US:

    "We can create those boundaries, but we can also transgress them. Isn't that delicious?"

  3. Anonymous  

    Marcellus Andrews, Logics and Limits of Economic Justice

    "OK: those among you who are Columbia students. . . .why are you running away from that magnificent university? I am given to understand that many of you good but mistaken Columbia folks think rather poorly of Barnard, which must extend to its bedraggled, slow witted, numbskull faculty . . .at least one old dark man, yes? Act on your beliefs! Abandon Andrews in the Spring of 2013 for better courses at Barnard and Columbia ! Do not let yourself be made stupid by that really, truly, deeply, laughably sub-mediocre Andrews character! Character? Is he even human? His legendary ugliness casts doubts on the matter, if we are honest. And that irritating manner of his! Leave Barnard women to their sorry fate as the poor dupes of the sorry Andrews!"

  4. Anonymous

    Anna Musatti, Principles of Econ:

    "What do you do on the weekend? It's the beginning of the semester; don't tell me you study! Maybe you study the anatomy of someone's body." *motions hourglass figure*

    A few minutes later:

    "Man those professors are so stuck up; I have to wear pants!"

  5. Stolfo

    Your brain - it's meat and it's edible

  6. CS kid  

    "If you read the textbook and feel like you understand the subject matter, you don't need to come to class. I like a smaller audience anyways."
    -Seung Choi
    (flustered while teaching his first class)

  7. Professor Sloan

    On the increasing presence of pre-professionalism in the Liberal Arts:

    "I'm fighting against your desire to make me useful to you."

  8. Anonymous

    Paul Siegel, calc iv: come to my office hours, that way I can tell my mom I had friends over!

  9. hoping i misheard...  

    Jae Lee, Advanced Programming
    "Yeah, this class is hard. I mean, we basically rape you."

  10. Anonymous  

    Professor Stolfo, Artificial Intelligence
    "Intelligence: It's just like pornography. When you see it, you know it."

  11. Anonymous  

    David Bayer, Linear Algebra
    "All of calculus is basically just a bag of tricks to avoid thinking in imaginary numbers."

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