Nowhere Is Safe
Written by Bwog Staff
It has recently come to Bwog’s attention that the NYPD is hot on the trail of a new criminal in Morningside Heights: @columbiamakeout. @columbiamakeout has been on the loose since February 7th and is gaining power as more and more people come to her aid. Mayor Bloomberg has warned that anybody harboring the criminal will be punished with full force of law and will also be charged with obstruction to justice. According to confidential NYPD reports uncovered by Bwog, @columbiamakeout has been breaking and entering throughout the neighborhood and committing major theft: stealing moments.
Much like hacker group Anonymous, @columbiamakeout appears to be a network of individuals working towards a common goal, though one person is at the head. This system makes accomplices less liable as they are not committing the final act of theft; they are charged as accessories. @columbiamakeout recently broadcast a message that their criminal action is for the good of the people. It is unclear, however, exactly what @columbiamakeout’s impulse is—is she trying to slutshame those she steals from to keep the PDA to a minimum, or celebrate open sexuality in a Lena-Dunham-bare-all world?
The most startling part of this entire operation is that @columbiamakeout has been infiltrating places once thought to be safe havens full of
drunk idiots benevolent souls who would just make fun of them for a week keep their secrets safe. Instead, their moments are taken and immortalized online and in the Library of Congress. These places include the Heights, Mels, Cannons, and EC. Morningside Heights residents are warned to keep an eye out for @columbiamakeout and put a lock on their late night trysts when left unattended.
Tags: @thetwittersofcolumbia, at least someone's gettin some, columbia why do you have to be so weird, do we have to make a Girls reference for this to be relevant to our generation?, SATIRE SATIRE THIS IS SATIRE, twitter