Party Testimonial: Bacchanal

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Part of a healthy breakfast

Part of a healthy breakfast

Bacchanal is a pretty unusual time for Columbia students. To document the event, an anonymous student tells us about his first experience with the legendary day in our first Party Testimonial.  If you have a particularly epic party moment specific to Columbia, email it in to

Like too many things at Columbia University, my Bacchanal experience was a teachable moment.

I learned how to combat sleepiness.

With alcohol.

I learned that orange juice should only be had

With alcohol.

I learned that I love everybody


The following recount of Bacchanal is a first-hand experience, as recounted to me from various friends and family.

(Note to self: do not text your family pictures of your pregame. Or do. It’s a free world.)

8 am: Wake up in room. Shower. Treasure your ability to think in a coherent manner.

9 am: High-five your friends. Yeah college! You’re doing it right! And your friends back home thought you were a loser. Commence to eat pizza that you bought the night before, (check 6 pizzas.)

9:12 am:  Remark that you just had four shots in 12 minutes. They were Jell-O shots though, so it doesn’t count, because if it tastes good, it isn’t alcohol.

9:12-onwards: Continue to consume Jell-O shots, drink wine, and vodka gummy bears. Because you deserve it.

9:40 am: Try to get shirts. Get rejected.

10:00 am: Try to get shirts.

10:01 am: They ran out. Hate them. Love them. You aren’t pregnant, get it together.

10:01.5 am: (Run back to Carman, because that’s totally what people do when drunk). Go to Carman 11.





10:50 am: Go to Low for Morningsiders, because hello, it’s Morningsiders.

11:00 am: DEeR lorD Gsu$. wErt heRVE i Donee.






*Go to the bathroom in Kent. Remark about how clean the bathroom is on the 5th floor.*

Afternoon pm: Pass out in friends room. Get JJ’s. Pass out in your room. Have people sleep on your floor. Have people sleep with your pillows. You won’t regret anything.

Secondwind pm: Yay! That was fun! I feel great! Let’s keep going.

Youshouldstop pm: Keep drinking. Get a text from a friend, asking you to save her from a room full of stoners. Just stay quiet in the corner of your room, and no one will ask anything of you. Captain Jack won’t ask favors.

apathetic pm: Let’s go to Sig Nu. Woo.

confusion o’clock pm: Get told you are trying to go way too early. It’s like 8:30 pm. Oops.


Oh god. Is that girl. No. Yes. Strangely, I’m okay with this.

11 pm: Rethink life choices.

12 am: Rethink life choices. Realize you already did that.

Cry a little.

1 am: Find your drunk friends and lead them out of the party and into the cold night.

Nighttime am: Go to bars. Leave bars. It’s alllll the same. #justkiddingpositivespin

somegodforsakenhour am:

Go to your dorm. See the kids studying in the lounge.

Go to bed.

Say you will never do this again.

And wait for next weekend because 420? 1020? COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT.

Eerily lit shots via Shutterstock

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  1. Anonymous  

    Pour up, drank, head shot, drank
    Sit down, drank, stand up, drank
    Pass out, drank, wake up, drank
    Faded, drank, faded, drank

  2. Anonymous  

    wtf is this shit?

  3. mad  

    I hope you're not the one who pulled the Carman 11 fire exit sign out of the ceiling and smashed it.

    I feel so bad for the RA on that floor, poor girl.

  4. Anonymous

    This is the softest shit I've ever read

  5. Anonymau5  

    So true... your friends from back home are right

  6. Anonymous  

    Don't forget the Red Bull Truck!! (or do...because you just had that much fun)

    Join "I Raged at the Red Bull Truck" on Facebook!

  7. Anonymous  

    Don't forget the Red Bull truck!! (or do...because you just had that much fun.)

    Join "I Raged at the Red Bull Truck" on Facebook to help bring the truck back to Columbia!

  8. Anonymous  

    if you remember it clearly you're doing it wrong

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