Feb

18

Laptop Vigilantes

Written by

The victim of the crime

Not even for a minute!

Public Safety stan Lili Brown takes us behind the scenes of staying alert and aware in the most crime-ridden location (?) on campus: Butler Library.

Our beloved Butler, with its prestigious architecture of dignified columns and oversized Hogwarts lanterns at the entrance, is a place fraught with robbery–or so the vigilantes behind these popular green slips seem to believe. Sight of these green slip might make you cringe, for “green slips” are reminiscent of middle school demerits, and no one wants two of the same 13” MacBook with the same half-drunk asleep written essays taking up the majority of its hardware space.

But we might have to look within our computers themselves to put a face to the stealth task force behind these slips. The face most concerned with our safety on this campus, is, undoubtedly, the infamous picture of McGruff the crime-fightin’ dog that signs every email Ricardo “Ricky Roo” Morales sends. Our CubMail accounts explain it all: Ricky Roo and his public safety crew want us to be mindful of at least a portion of the expenses weighing down our parents to send us here. Your laptop matters – telling mom and dad you need a new computer causes them more economic anxiety than the idea of renewing tuition each year.

Ricky Roo’s plan, like any good disciplinary system, has a series of stages, with each increasing in seriousness. Green slip is simply a warning – someone didn’t steal your laptop, but they might. Roll your eyes and move on. The second warning, however, may prompt you to start bringing your laptop with you during bathroom breaks. When you return to your abandoned laptop, you will indeed find it missing. Ricky Roo and his team have taken it upon themselves to temporarily kidnap your shiny laptop and change its physical composition forever and always (per notification of a “Get Your Electronics ‘TATTOOED’ With the NYPD / CU Public Safety Operation ID Program” received in an email Monday morning). Getting your computer tattooed by men with tattoos looks like this:

image004

And you should be rest assured that it is in good hands; your laptop will not be returned to you with a tramp stamp. Rather, the on-site experts will engrave and register your computer, therefore preventing any thief after Ricky Roo to try and (actually) steal your computer ever again. You and your computer (aka best friend) are to be forever marked with the shame of recklessly leaving precious electronics with the total strangers you were in 309 with.

Leaving your belongings unattended for even just a minute has grave consequences. Ricky Roo and Momma Bwog urge you to take action and be more cautious of the distance you create between yourself and your expensive belongings. For those feeling inspired by this precautionary tale, applications to join Ricky Roo’s Fan Club Laptop Vigilante Task Force will be released in the near future.

But, if your real estate at Butler hasn’t been tapped yet by Ricky Roo and his team, go ahead and save him the trouble by enrolling in the CUIT stolen laptop recovery program. It will save you, your parents, and Ricky Roo from some serious anxiety attacks.

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15 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    The way to stop laptop theft, is preemptively stealing laptops?

  2. Anonymous

    is this a joke? this is theft.

  3. Intervention Letter to Bwog  

    Dear Bwog,

    We don't talk enough, but I think you do really good work. Mostly. When I need to know where the good pastries are, or what Taylor Swift was doing this week, I know right where to go.

    But we've talked about the cutesy nickname thing. It's started again, and I feel worried about it. ["I" statements are important- be sure to edit this note out before sending]. It started with the PrezBo. Then it was "MoHi" before breakfast, and then the whole BoSchwo incident. (I know, we promised never to talk about that again, but it's a trend.) And then, there's today, and that's why we're here.

    You may not even realize it, but you just used "Ricky Roo" eight times in a six paragraph article. It wasn't a lifestyle article, either- that's when you get to 'let your hair'... we said we weren't going to talk about hair again, I'm sorry- when you get to be casual. This was a news article. And this is why we're talking today.

    We're all worried. This is past making 'fetch' jokes. We care. We're here to help. "

    [Hug at this point- delete this before sending.]

  4. Anonymous

    Does this mean we should preemptively grab girls' butts if they're wearing short skirts?

  5. A guy  

    Can we stop with the silliness we know you love so much for just a minute, Bwog, and, in light of the fact that it is not April 1st, can you tell us if we're reading this correctly- Public Security is planning to steal our computers?!

  6. wtf  

    This is totally inappropriate. Public Safety doesn't have the right to take and 'tattoo' my computer because I step out of 209 to go get coffee or go to the bathroom.

  7. Anonymous  

    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

  8. Anonymous  

    I had my laptop stolen by public safety on Friday night. When I tried to retrieve it, they claimed I would not be able to get it till AFTER TEN AM ON MONDAY MORNING. After multiple visits to their basement lair in Lowe, I was able to retrieve my laptop on Saturday. This policy is absurd and criminal.

    • Anonymous

      You could press charges. Theft is theft regardless of whether your property is returned.

      • Anonymous

        doubtful re charges... the issue is that we probably gave up certain rights upon signing up for columbia IDs or access to butler - something like that. or the public safety person could say 'it was unattended, i'm taking it to lost and found'

        in any event, there's a clear solution here - which is look out for each others' shit. if you're getting up, ask the person next to you to keep an eye on your laptop while you're gone. or, generally, if you see someone come up try to take a laptop (like seriously, this isn't subtle), tell them to fuck off and say you're looking out for it. at that point you actually have grounds to get them in trouble for taking it, so they won't

        everyone wins this way - people stop nagging public safety about something stupid (laptop thefts), and we don't have to deal with something stupid from public safety (this absolutely idiotic policy)

  9. Anonymous

    Instead of wasting time taking and then returning your laptop, can't they use their time to just patrol the library catching thieves in the act?

  10. Anonymous  

    I would do it if the NYPD/Public Safety didn't plan on performing what looks like a fourth grade art project on my $2,000 computer. Get a machine or handwriting lessons

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