Public Safety stan Lili Brown takes us behind the scenes of staying alert and aware in the most crime-ridden location (?) on campus: Butler Library.
Our beloved Butler, with its prestigious architecture of dignified columns and oversized Hogwarts lanterns at the entrance, is a place fraught with robbery–or so the vigilantes behind these popular green slips seem to believe. Sight of these green slip might make you cringe, for “green slips” are reminiscent of middle school demerits, and no one wants two of the same 13” MacBook with the same half-
drunk asleep written essays taking up the majority of its hardware space.
But we might have to look within our computers themselves to put a face to the stealth task force behind these slips. The face most concerned with our safety on this campus, is, undoubtedly, the infamous picture of McGruff the crime-fightin’ dog that signs every email Ricardo “Ricky Roo” Morales sends. Our CubMail accounts explain it all: Ricky Roo and his public safety crew want us to be mindful of at least a portion of the expenses weighing down our parents to send us here. Your laptop matters – telling mom and dad you need a new computer causes them more economic anxiety than the idea of renewing tuition each year.
Ricky Roo’s plan, like any good disciplinary system, has a series of stages, with each increasing in seriousness. Green slip is simply a warning – someone didn’t steal your laptop, but they might. Roll your eyes and move on. The second warning, however, may prompt you to start bringing your laptop with you during bathroom breaks. When you return to your abandoned laptop, you will indeed find it missing. Ricky Roo and his team have taken it upon themselves to temporarily kidnap your shiny laptop and change its physical composition forever and always (per notification of a “Get Your Electronics ‘TATTOOED’ With the NYPD / CU Public Safety Operation ID Program” received in an email Monday morning). Getting your computer tattooed by men with tattoos looks like this:
And you should be rest assured that it is in good hands; your laptop will not be returned to you with a tramp stamp. Rather, the on-site experts will engrave and register your computer, therefore preventing any thief after Ricky Roo to try and (actually) steal your computer ever again. You and your computer (aka best friend) are to be forever marked with the shame of recklessly leaving precious electronics with the total strangers you were in 309 with.
Leaving your belongings unattended for even just a minute has grave consequences. Ricky Roo and Momma Bwog urge you to take action and be more cautious of the distance you create between yourself and your expensive belongings. For those feeling inspired by this precautionary tale, applications to join Ricky Roo’s
Fan Club Laptop Vigilante Task Force will be released in the near future.
But, if your real estate at Butler hasn’t been tapped yet by Ricky Roo and his team, go ahead and save him the trouble by enrolling in the CUIT stolen laptop recovery program. It will save you, your parents, and Ricky Roo from some serious anxiety attacks.