Sep

11

Ghosts Of Columbia: A Definitive Ranking

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ghosts are 100% real and present on this campus

As fall begins, we’re already feeling spooky and ready for Halloween. We at Bwog love Halloween content, so we’re starting early. New Bwogger Abby Rubel analyzes which campus figures are most ghost-like, as in: we’ve heard about them, we’re slightly scared of them, and we never see them because ghosts are invisible. 

  1. PrezBo: Even when you catch a rare glimpse of PrezBo on campus, he doesn’t seem all there, as if he’s occupied with important issues that we mere mere mortals could never comprehend. And sure, he teaches that one class every semester, but ghosts can teach classes. Just ask Harry Potter.
  2. Deantini: Deantini is slightly more visible than PrezBo, but not by much, so he’s probably a ghost too. He communicates exclusively by sending emails, and any ghost worth their salt can manipulate electronics. Most of them prefer to intimidate the people who killed them, but if Deantini wants to spend his ghostly time being bland and moderately unhelpful, who are we to judge?
  3. John Coatsworth: You’re pretty sure he’s important–the title “Provost” certainly sounds imposing–but what does he actually do? Probably uses his ghostly powers to make sure students are using the library appropriately and not having fun there at all.
  4. The Trustees: A quick internet search will tell you who they are, but the Board of Trustees seems suspiciously like a shadow organization that quietly rules Columbia from the background. Sounds like the perfect organization for a bunch of ghosts if you ask us.
  5. Alexander Hamilton: Legend has it that if you’re in Hamilton past midnight and listen very closely, you can hear the man himself bitching about how little sleep he’s been getting lately.
  6. Your frat hookup: You had one night of crazy (or, more likely, drunken) passion with this guy, only to never see or hear from him again. Most likely explanation: he died of a pizza overdose fifty years ago and can only return to this world on the anniversary of his death for one night of revelry. He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to ruin the moment and thought it would be less painful this way.*
  7. *If any frat boys try this, let us know how it goes!

 

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1 Comment

  1. Shane Eberle

    I am offended. I should be in this list :'(

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