Daily Archive: November 18, 2017

Nov

18

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January 26 will forever be known as the date this Columbia student penned a true masterpiece of Western literature and humanities.

Beethoven, Sappho, Liszt, Mozart, move over. A Columbia Yelp reviewer has come to town.

As I was browsing Yelp reviews of JJ’s the other day, I discovered that a Columbia student had written a song about JJ’s in the reviews section. Yep. I’m….speechless. The song is to the tune of “No More Parties in LA” by Kanye West, and it utilizes such a sublime flow and lyricism that is to this date unparalleled by even Sappho herself. Honestly, what more can I say about it? The full lyrics are included below, as well as the song “No More Parties in LA” to give you an idea for the melody.

No more parties in JJ’s

Please, baby, no more parties in JJ’s, uh
No more parties in JJ’s
Please, baby, no more parties in JJ’s., uh
No more (John Jay)

Hey baby you forgot your french fries
Not cooked in peanut oil like Five Guys’
It was more than soft porn for the K-man
Hacked my diet like when I was selling them Rayban
Kashi no subete wo tabete, ureshikatta
On that air hockey table, I’m gonna play.
Gotta steal all them freshie swipes; they gonna pay
And I guess I can say hi to Iris, along the way.

Scary
Scary
No more parties in JJ’s
Please, baby, no more parties in JJ’s

So you pregamed ya pregame
Drinks before noon JJ’s soon there is no shame
Going straight for the mozzarella sticks
And foosball scores three meals a day hat tricks.

I am here waiting for the ghost of Kerouac
Just to tell him when you near my fortune cookies, step back.

I just keep on lovin’ you, baby
And there’s no one else I know who can take your place

Nov

18

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The crime scene in question. This is what I saw when I opened my SSOL wishlist.

We’re gonna keep this short. I’ve had a lot of scary experiences this week: a Gulati pop quiz, spilling orange juice in my bag, tripping on College Walk. But on Thursday, I encountered perhaps the scariest thing of all. Class registration.

As a freshman, my fall registration experience was less than stellar – but my spring registration experience was even worse. Coming in, I had a 12:30 pm registration time. With no context, I had known that 12:30 pm wasn’t the earliest time, but I didn’t think it was the worst ordeal either. I was wrong.

On registration day, I woke up at 8 am, carefully checking and double-checking and triple-checking that my SSOL wishlist was just right. I had three alternative LitHum sections, three UWriting sections, and a ton of other backup classes lined up. I’m so excited to register for these amazing courses! I, at that time only a naive and smol girl, thought to myself.

12:15 pm rolled around, and I leisurely opened my laptop at the tables outside Ferris. I checked SSOL, and then I saw it. Every single one of my classes was full.

Panic washed over me, and I internally screamed, as I instantly opened CULPA, Vergil, RateMyProfessor, EZACU, and the Class of 2021 Facebook to cross-check professors, in the process stress-eating the three Ferris red velvet cookies I had originally saved for later. The task was hopeless; my efforts were for naught. Every single UWriting class that had a professor assigned was already full. Only three or four LitHum sections were available to be switched into.

I wish I could provide you with a happy ending, and tell you that it all ended OK and that I’m OK, but I’m not. My only comfort during these dark, dark times is that I can shed light on my experience, and perhaps prepare you, my reader, for the absolute tomfoolery that is class registration. Good luck, and godspeed.

Nov

18

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I don’t what the fuck this is/means, but this is what came up when I searched “no thanks” on Google. So you’re welcome.

With the onslaught of Thanksgiving, Bwog baby Idris O’Neill wanted to give thanks, or rather a no thanks, to all those Columbia men that ask girls to be part of their threesome fantasies. Here are her thoughts.

For the second time in a month, I was asked to be a part of a threesome. I don’t know what it is about being a Barnard first year that entices these men, but I promise I don’t believe in the “Barnard girls to bed, Columbia girls to wed” thing. I aspire for that ring too, goddammit. This one is for all the Barnard women who find themselves confronted with that awkward “you, me, her” (or him or them) suggestion, but were not adequately prepped by Foundations for it.

  1. “I have to go – I have to swipe into JJ’s before 1 am.”
  2. “This isn’t a Bechdel-passing interaction.”
  3. “I have to consult Athena first.”
  4. “I’m not sure which one of you I would call ‘daddy.’”
  5. “These chastity gates are closed.”
  6. “This threesome isn’t very diverse. I’d prefer my sexual interactions to look like the cover of an admissions pamphlet.”
  7. “Let’s unpack the gender politics of this.”
  8. “There’s more men in this interaction than I’d like in my life, ever.”
  9. “I’m concerned about how performative my bisexuality will appear.”

Get out of my life please via Pixabay

Nov

18

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Remember when old people told us that avocado toast prevents millennials from buying homes? I’m an econ major, but that still somehow doesn’t add up.

Happening in the World: Surgeons have found that a North Korean soldier, who defected Monday, has harbored multiple fully grown parasites in his damaged intestines. Experts say this is a common condition among North Korean defectors, due to the lack of chemical fertilizers and reliance on human excrement for fertilization in impoverished North Korea. (NYT)

Happening in the US: The Senate Judiciary Committee has appointed Trump nominee Brett J. Talley, a three-year lawyer who has never tried a case and was unanimously rated “not qualified” by the American Bar Association, for an Alabama federal judgeship. (LA Times)

Happening in NYC: A huge, five-alarm fire tore through a Hamilton Heights apartment building Friday, inciting nearly 200 firefighters in response and casting dark plumes of smoke over northern Manhattan. (CBS)

Happening on Campus: Columbia New Music, an organization of Columbia-affiliated composers and performers of contemporary music, is having a concert in 112 Dodge Hall. More information can be found on its Facebook event page here.

A Song Recommendation:

Photo via Max Pixel under Public Domain

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