#bwoglines
Bwoglines: Bitter Ironies Edition
"Yup, definitely ironic."

“Yup, definitely ironic.”

Rather than running for office, it seems many former Obama aides are going into consulting… Looks like the President uses CCE too much. (NYT)

In light of the recent events around “Heartbleed,” the President has failed to call for full disclosure on security exploits made available to various Executive Agencies.  (Wikipedia, Al-Jazeera America)

James Franco tried to parody his trying to sleep with a teenage girl moment. (Gawker)

This is a so-so, perhaps even poorly written, article on how irony is ruining our culture according to thinking of the late great David Foster Wallace. (Salon)

 

Proto-hipsters ought to die via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: We Can Get Through This Edition

You may have been passed out in a hallway last night, but J-Lo won some award for something other than her butt. (Fox News)

US put on their concerned face and told Ukraine to knock it off. Mother Russia don’t play like that. (The Independent)

Twitter is going to launch another redesign. At this point, most people just use the Twitter app and the few times we actually use our computer, the whole site is different and it takes us 30 minutes to just fucking navigate the thing. (The Hindu)

You’re probably experiencing some real Coachella FOMO even though there were enough crop tops and flower crowns at Bacchanal yesterday. However, here are some pictures of cool celebs doing cool things at the concert. (Gothamist)

And when today seems like it’s just not happening and your hangover may never end, just remember:

Bwoglines: Eye-Opener Edition

SEND ALL YOUR KKRRAAZZYY BACCHANAL TIPS/ PICTURES TO tips@bwog.com OR USE OUR ANONYMOUS TIP FORM!

Pregame overheards/seens:

  • McBain security guard after a group of girls came running and screaming out: “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…”
  • “It’s the dust from the powder!” says paint-splattered person during Carman fire alarm.
  • Seen: Group of Carmanites taking a selfie with the fire truck.
  • Seen: girls doing Pilates in the grass, covered in paint from Holi.
  • Looking for exercise:
    • A: “Let’s go to the gym!”
    • B: “No, they won’t let us in. We’re covered in paint.”
    • A: “No, we’re covered in paint powder.”
  • Holi was too much. “Literally left after 3 minutes.”
  • Someone outside of John Jay puts water bottle on top of head: “I’m queeeeen!!! Queen of drinking!!!”

Up and at ‘em? So are we. Getting shitfaced at an hour we’re not usually awake. Time for a little BACchanal pregame music–a mix of all the artists playing, of course, courtesy of Nøvachørd.

Plus FREE BAGELS! Poke your head out and grab one because bagels are delish. Be prepared to tell your RA your “responsible plan for your day.” (Wall Street Journal)

How is everyone up this early? It’s good though, ’cause we’re all going to be FUCKING HAPPY. (Sydney Morning Herald)

Just don’t be this guy. (Gothamist)

Bwoglines: Spoiler Alert Edition
Not quite

Not quite

A knife-wielding 16-year-old Pennsylvanian boy stabbed twenty-two people yesterday. (Reuters)

Maybe Comcast merging with Time Warner is good for business — “sometimes big is good,” one probably-grey-flannel-suit-wearing executive man argues — but it may or may not be so great for consumers. (Forbes)

Mad Men is now only 85 hours away. Spoiler alert: here’s everything that will happen come season seven. “While working late one night on a campaign for electric pruning shears, Peggy Olson decides to test out the product and accidentally castrates Ken Cosgrove and Harry Crane. Joan gets some ice. Don tells them, ‘This never happened.’” (The New Yorker)

Kim Jong-Un won the North Korean “election.” (Slate)

But most importantly, which Mad Men character are you? (BuzzFeed)

“Retro couple near a window” a.k.a. bad knockoff Mad Men imagery via Shutterstock.

Bwoglines: Drunk In The Air Edition
In five days, the sight of this will make you nauseous.

In five days, the sight of this will make you nauseous.

Emma Sulkowicz, CC ’15 and Zoe Ridolfi-Starr CC, ’15 spoke yesterday at a press conference with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand about Columbia’s sexual policies.  The Senator is hoping to increase federal funding to combat campus sexual assault. (CBS New York, Fox NY)

Joe Biden…or Twitter superhero? (Politico)

Well, we guess this means no more mile-high tequila shots.  Damn. (Gawker)

And here we are including the Spectator Publishing Company’s Courses@CU in Bwoglines.  We’re not doing a story on it. (Courses@CU)

Is this really the best use of our legal resources?  Probs.  (Gothamist)

RIP limes via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: Pathetic Edition
Everybody hurts and everybody cries

Everybody hurts and everybody cries

Not like we were actually going to stand in that line, but the Cronuts guy got shut down for mice. Ew. (NY Daily News)

No, Bush. We don’t want to see your paintings again. (CNN)

We’re so pathetic that apparently we need to type emojis on Yelp instead of words. (Gothamist)

And because we could all use a pick-me-up on a Sunday. (BuzzFeed)

Rough day via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: Ups and Downs Edition
James Franco story = nausea

Bwoglines is a roller coaster of emotion today

Job growth remains steady, with employers adding thousands of positions in March. Now if only employers would add thousands of generously paid internships. (USA Today)

Columbia’s Earth Observatory predicts more depressing news. At least most of us will be dead by 2100. (Salon)

A savvy Scottish teen got hit on by James Franco, and she turned him away. But not before securing a picture of Franco holding a piece of paper with her name on it. She got hers. (Metro)

Could losing weight really be as easy as opening your blinds? It probably doesn’t matter anyway…We’ll still be buried in the windowless depths of Butler. (Science Recorder)

A wild ride via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: The World Is A Pit Of Despair Edition
Despair

(Abject) despair

There was a fatal shooting at Fort Hood in Texas yesterday, leaving four dead, including the shooter, and fourteen injured. This is the same exact location of another shooting that occurred in 2009. (Slate)

GM recalls your car. Again. (The Economist)

The fast food chains are waging war on each other — and your body — with lots of syrup, ambiguous egg textures, and sausages in every form. (Slate)

Because you’ve just been asking what it’s like to be the personal assistant to a celebrity. (NY Mag)

Could you get by on a low-wage (read: minimum wage, most likely) job? Probably not. (Slate)

What did Kwasi Enin write that got him into Yale? (NY Mag)

Not quite the actual Pit of Despair, but rather, facade of the Duomo via Shutterstock.

Bwoglines: WTF are Bwoglines Edition
Gud morning every1

Gud morning every1

Be sure to check out our new website redesign. We hope u like it!!

Bacchanal will be canceled this year because Columbia forgot to reserve the Low steps.  A town hall meeting will be held to discuss the matter on May 16 at 11:59 pm. (Bwog)

PrezBo’s notoriously absent wife has officially been revealed to be a pigeon. (Al-Jazeera America)

The squirrel population in New York now outnumbers the human population one million to one.  Said their king: “You know nothing Bill de Blasio.” (Fox News)

It was kinda cold yesterday morning, and then the weather changed. (The Lion)

Mutual comfort animals via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: Times A-Changin’ Edition
The old you doesn't put up with lack of pre-k and fast cabs

The old you doesn’t put up with lack of pre-k and fast cabs

De Blasio earned $300 million in the state budget to go towards Pre-K in New York City. (NY Times)

We might feel less afraid of being hit by a cab going 70 mph on Broadway sometime soon with speed control laws. (Staten Island Live)

Because gentrification. (Gothamist)

The Willy Wonka of Ukraine is now the last hope for a presidential nomination for many. (NY Times)

Pure inspiration via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: Going Global Edition
Diversity: landmark style

Diversity: landmark style

England and Wales hop on the slowly but steadily moving marriage equality bandwagon. (BBC)

No need to fear: that Turkish Twitter account you surely follow is going to survive. (Belfast Telegraph)

An ideal solution to having to interact with other humans. Plus, you’ll look super cool wearing it. (The Ledger)

PrezBo touted diversity at the University of Rochester. His silvery hair may not exemplify diversity, but it was flawlessly coiffed. (Democrat & Chronicle)

The true meaning of global via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: What You Missed Edition
Bwog eating dining hall food after being away for a week.

Bwog eating dining hall food after being away for a week.

Bwog missed you crazy kids so much that we practically spent all of break crying in misery. Just kidding, Bwog loves vacation. Here are a few shenanigans from both the news and also the Bwog Tips inbox that occurred at the good ol’ Columbia while you were gone.

We love Bwog Video and apparently so do you. Watch this supercut of House of Farts for the stinky delights of the video. (Bwog Tips)

As if the reading load wasn’t already accumulating post-midterms, we can now read former NY Governor David Paterson’s papers from when he was in office (Oneida Daily Dispatch)

Did Gravity really deserve to slay the Oscars? Find out tonight courtesy of CU Ferris Reel Film Society. (Bwog Tips)

Columbia made Obama a dick. (Personal Liberty Digest)

On Friday night, Bwog received a tip saying that there were free hamburgers in Lerner. Another tipper called us a liar and said there weren’t any burgers. Also, apparently Bwog is a “smelly old fart.” (Bwog Tips)

Sweet! Now we can learn online after a whole day of classes! Thanks Columbia! (The Crimson)

You can take Bwog from the campus, but you can’t take the love of squirrels out of Bwog. We found the critter above outside of the city. (Bwog Tips)

A squirrely friend via Bwog Tips

Bwoglines: Not-So-Far-Away Places Edition
You can do better.

You can do better.

The story of yesterday morning’s building explosion in Harlem continues to get worse, and now has its own Wikipedia page. (CNN, Wikipedia)

A potential new medication to treat anorexia has been announced, a great possible first step toward furthering biological treatment rather than the disease’s mainstay talk therapy. (Time)

Way to go, House of Representatives. (The Washington Post)

Less sarcastically: way to go, White House! (Reuters)

Take your mind off midterms and the news; enjoy a burger of lamb heart tartare, quail egg, sardine aioli, trout roe, beet chips, capers, and avocado oil. (BuzzFeed)

Shut the door. Have a seat. Mad Men will be back in a month. (Entertainment Weekly, Wikipedia)

Sadness on a bun via Shutterstock.

Bwoglines: Tired of Fox News Edition
What we pictured when we heard "crazed giant cat"

What we pictured when we heard “crazed giant cat”

C’mon Columbia, even Congress has got you beat. (The Washington Times).

Police in Portland were called when a “crazed” 22-pound cat trapped its owners inside their own bedroom.  Only in Portland… (Fox News Phoenix)

A Brooklyn boy who had been missing was found after he had been riding the subway for five days straight.  The question we’re all thinking: did he meet the mole people? (New York Times)

That’s why their ears are so big; they’re full of secrets! (The ABC)

And finally, fucking Fox News everybody (check out sassy Columbia at around 2:50):

Catzilla via Shutterstock, video via Fox News

Bwoglines: Survival In The Face Of Insurmountable Challenges Edition
Bwog dunno wut 2 think of dis guy

We don’t know what to think of this guy.

This young couple in Afghanistan is willing to risk it all to be together. (NYT)

LSD ain’t coke but it’s still one hell of a drug, seeing as it hasn’t been used in a scientific study for about 40 years… until now.  Far out. (Gawker)

Colombia’s former president (no, not Eisenhower) has just been elected to the nation’s Senate.  This may present some problems but at least the dude’s got some persistence. (AJA)

Rob Ford, the extremely troubled mayor of Toronto who has survived a crack-cocaine scandal recently, tweeted his followers a reminder to turn their clocks backward for daylight savings time.  The only problem is that it’s spring forward.  Tbh Bwog isn’t sure if the insurmountable challenge is the crack scandal or daylight savings time. (Mashable, Wikipedia)

And one other thing.  Bwog just stayed up super late writing a long ass paper and wants you to know that you too can survive crack scandals, leftist oppositions, Schedule I substance classification, and ethnic/sectarian differences.  So go get ‘em this week, comrades.

A man of fortitude(?) via Wikimedia Commons