Ask Bwog: Candy
Written by Bwog Staff
So suppose someone has left you candies and such on your door for Christmas, Valentines, etc. Problem is, you don’t know who this person is, and you have a strong suspicion that the candies aren’t actually intended for you, but someone else with a very very similar name. What should you do?
Hey Nony Nony,
You’re lying about some things. For starters, your name isn’t Anonymous. For those on an intermediate level, the certainty with which you dismiss ownership of the candies and and how you know just how very very similar the intended recipient’s name is to your own tells me you know more than you let on.
But continue to feign ignorance and keep the candy.
If the person leaving the candy hasn’t the courage to leave a name or return address, there’s really nothing to do but eat the candy. People like people with confidence, and an anonymous candy-giver deserves nothing. (Notice how Bwog, being aesexual, shows no heterobias.)
Intelligent steps to maintain others’ perception of your ignorance and defend your right to the candy:
- Start a Facebook group for people with names similar to your own. This, group #1, is stalker bait.
- Start a Facebook group for people with crushes on people with names similar to your own. Have everyone in group #1 join this group to get the admirer’s eyeballs. (He’ll be lurking on one of their profiles.)
- Start a Facebook group for people who love giving candy as gifts.
- The intersection of the two final groups will reveal the stalker admirer. Beat the information of the truly admired out of that person and take their wallet. Don’t tell them they’re misdelivering the candy.
That last bit is really only to punish the admirer for their misdelivering stupidity. Pat yourself on the back, you well nourished instrument of justice.
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